Ways to Improve Your Personality

Everyone wants to get along well with people and to meet life's situations successfully. We want others to like us, and we want to feel that we count for something.

These results, which we so much desire, depend upon the personality that we have built and are still building. In fact, the early teens is an especially important building period. Then we are putting aside for good some of our childish ways of acting and are learning more grown-up, or mature, ways of behaving.

The aim of this article is to suggest to you specific ways or techniques of growing up. It shows how to develop desirable qualities of personality through meeting everyday situations.

That is the way personality develops—through day-by-day experiences. This article does not just talk about desirable qualities. It describes the qualities we all desire, shows how other teen-agers have gone about developing them, and then gives specific suggestions as to how you may go about improving your own personality.

The same method is used in handling the discussions of problems that you have to face that is, the problems are described, ways in which some  teenagers have met the problems are presented, and specific suggestions are given for solving them.

The main points that are stressed throughout is that the individual's happiness depends largely upon his seeing himself as part of a group—the family, the school, the com-munity, or the world.

In the first two description,  you are encouraged to look at your¬self in order to understand yourself and to see ways in which you might develop qualities needed for more satisfactory liv¬ing.

On the whole you are shown how to put these qualities to work in real life. The situations discussed are those in which you may find yourself in your everyday life: making and keeping friends, getting along in the family, gaining inde¬pendence, handling disappointments, being accepted in a group or club, and meeting crises.

The summary is in the form of a story of a day in one boy's life—the situations, problems, and contacts he has and how he meets each one.

As you read, it sounds easy and possible for you to improve your personality. But do not be discouraged if you sometimes find it hard to do what you know is best to do.

There are hidden or unconscious forces at work, as well as those that you recognize. Some persons need help in seeing more clearly why they behave as they do. But many of us can make the wise decision at any one moment. And even a slight change for the better in our behavior has its effect on us and in our relations with others.

A great deal of the content of this article  has been contributed by teenagers themselves. Many of the instances and problems, and the ways in which they were handled, have come from actual cases. Other teen-agers have given suggestions that have been included.

Teachers, administrators, counselors, and psychologists have been very generous in advising and helping with the content and its presentation. It is hoped that Ways to Improve Your Personality will give you concrete help in making your life happier and more satisfying.

You Have What It Takes

All the people in this world keep running into difficult situa-tions. They wish they could handle them better. Many times they feel a sense of failure. You may want to be more successful in making friends, having people like you, getting dates, and being on good terms with your parents.

You would like to feel that you are of some worth or value to your family, to your school, and even to this world of ours. Since you can learn from the experiences of others, this chapter will tell you about Donald, Carol, and Jim.

Donald wins in a new school

Donald walked slowly into his bedroom, sprawled into a chair, flung one leg over the arm, and stared moodily out the window. He hated this new school. He had been here three weeks, and he still didn't know anybody.

Back at Hastings High it had been different. The students were more friendly. He had lived in Hastings all his life and knew practically everybody in the high school. But here he was an outsider—on the fringe of things—and just didn't stand a chance.

Nobody paid any attention to him. Hardly anyone bothered to speak to him. He doubted that anybody but the teachers knew his name.

Fine thing! He, Donald Edwards, who had been so popular back in Hastings—star forward on the basketball team, class treasurer, soloist in the glee club, and not too unpopular with the girls either—was now sitting on the sidelines.

He didn't like it. He didn't like his teachers. He didn't like the fellows and girls in his classes. He didn't like the atmosphere in the school. He didn't like anything. He had never felt so completely out of gear and unwanted in his whole life.

He longed to go back to Hastings. He was really homesick. But he knew he couldn't go back. His mother had to live in this town, and he couldn't leave her by herself. He was stuck. He felt defeated; yet he knew he had to do something about his situation. He certainly could not go on like this.

Donald was unhappy until he decided that he would not stand his situation any longer. He knew that something had to be done and that he was the only one who could do it. He had always managed to get along somehow and he figured he could do it now.

He decided that if the other students were not going to make an effort to get acquainted with him, he would have to make the effort to get acquainted with them. That wasn't going to be easy. It is never easy to break into a group of strangers.

This what he decide;

Decide to be friendly rather than wait for someone to approach you.

Make a point of speaking to people, and follow up with those who seem most friendly.

Show an interest in other people rather than expect them to be interested in you.

Be willing to fall in with others' plans and participate when invited.

The next day he watched some of his classmates and decided that Jeff and Tom, who seemed to be good friends, looked as though they might be friendly if he were. That very day he made a point of speaking to them.

He asked Jeff what he thought one of the teachers expected of them. Did you have to recite much? Was there a term paper?

What kind of exams did she give?

Jeff seemed to enjoy answering his questions. Don thought maybe Jeff was exaggerating a little about the stillness of the exams, but he¢ listened with a keen interest that pleased Jeff.

The following day he met Jeff and Tom in the hall. They were more friendly, asking him what town he had come from, where he was living, and what courses he was taking. Don was making progress. He used the same method of approach in each of his classes.

In some classes he met with the same friendliness that Jeff and Tom had shown; in other classes the students were courteous but not really friendly. Don followed up with the friendly ones, making an effort to talk to them each day and expressing an interest in whatever they seemed to be doing.

He could tell that he was gradually being accepted. He now felt more at ease with the other boys and even managed to make them laugh during their conversations. He had the most fun with Tom and Jeff, and they responded more and more to his friendliness.

Toward the end of the week they asked him to have a malted milk with them after school. This pleased him. While they were at the fountain, the boys asked if he didn't want to go to the show with them Friday night.

Did he! He was so happy to be asked that he could hardly wait for Friday to come. He felt that he was “in”!

What did Donald actually do in this situation? He found himself in a school in which he was unhappy. He knew he must do something or go on being unhappy the rest of the time. No one else was doing anything to better his situation; he had to do it himself.

He really liked people, he was really interested in what they were doing, and he had a great deal to offer in a friendship. He put the resources that he had within himself to work. He figured out a plan of action and followed through with it. Don will be able to win friends in new situa-tions all his life.

Carol keeps her date

Carol was another person who believed in making an effort to better a situation in which she found herself. Dick had asked her for a date to the junior prom. She had been waiting for this moment to arrive, yet dreading it too.

There was nothing she wanted so much as to go with him. But what would she do about getting a formal to wear ?

She didn't have one, and her parents simply could not afford to buy her even an inexpensive one. Since she could not bring herself to say “No” to Dick—not right at that minute anyway—she told him that she would let him know a little later. She would have to ask her parents first.

What to do? What to do?

The dance was only ten days away. She could not get a job that would pay her enough in that short time to buy the outfit she wanted. She fretted and fussed for at least two hours. Then she began to do some good, solid scheming.

If only she had some material for a skirt, she could brighten up that white silk blouse somehow.

Where would she find material?

She thought about all her own dresses. Then she happened to remember her mother's blue taffeta dress. Her mother hadn't worn it for two years. Maybe she would let her use the material to make a skirt.

Carol practically flew home in her excitement. Her mother, too, was enthusiastic about the idea. Together they planned how they could get enough material out of the dress to make a smart skirt of the latest style. Then came the actual cutting and sewing.

All the time that they were working on the skirt, Carol was worrying about shoes. She would just have to figure out a way to earn money to buy a pair because tomorrow she was going to tell Dick she could go with him.

And she didn't intend to go barefoot. That night, when she went to bed, she figured and figured how she could earn some money. Finally she hit on an idea.

The next morning she borrowed three dollars from her mother, promising to pay it back before the end of the week. She went to a stationery store and bought a ream of paper, a hundred and fifty inexpensive white envelopes, and some sten¬cils.

Next she made four designs that pictured life at school in a humorous manner. These she transferred onto the stencil. She found a mimeograph machine on which she could run the stencils after school. They came out very well.

Great was her excitement as she folded the paper and pack¬aged two dozen sheets with two dozen envelopes. She couldn't afford boxes, so she tied up the packages in bright blue ribbon. Since she had been able to afford only one hundred and fifty envelopes, she couldn't make up many packages.

But the very next day she sold those packages for forty cents each, rushed down and bought more envelopes, made up more packages, and sold them. Her stationery had a great appeal for the students because it was about teen-agers like themselves.

Her sales grew far beyond her expectations. By the end of the week she had cleared seventeen dollars. She was able to buy her shoes, stockings, and a gay necklace to liven up her blouse. The skirt was finished by then too.

Carol was ready for her date with Dick the following week. And what a date it was! She had earned her good time and she had it.

Carol was a dynamo. She didn't believe in sitting around moaning about her difficulties. She believed in going into action.

She used her head. She called on her resources—originality, ability to sew, and talent in art—and put them to work for her.

Result? She solved her problem and had a wonderful time.

Jim earns his independence

Jim found himself in a spot that was getting to be unbearable. He felt that his parents were keeping too close tab on him. They had to know every single place he was going, with whom he was going, how long he would be gone, etc., etc.

He hadn't minded it so much until this year, but now he was sixteen and he didn't see why he had to check in and check out all the time. He didn't go anywhere that made any difference, but to hear his parents talk, you would have thought that he was a juvenile delinquent.

He had got to the point where he didn't say where he was going, even if it was just to a movie or a school dance. He would show them. But then there were scenes after every evening out. What a situation!

Jim decided to talk his troubles over with his cousin Ben. Ben was older than he, but Jim could remember something about

Ben's having had problems similar to his. Ben laughed at Jim when he heard his story. “Are you sure that the victim of this story isn't Ben instead of Jim?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, just about five years ago, I was going through that very same thing.”

“How did you handle it?” asked Jim.

“Oh, I scrapped and howled and carried on the same as

you're doing for quite a while until I realized I wasn't getting anywhere. Finally I got tired of quarreling. I can't stand that kind of thing all the time. Can you?”

“No. I hate it. That's why this is getting me down.”

“There's only one way I know to work this out.”

“Tell me quick.”

“Well, what I did was to find myself a nice, cool piece of shade and a solid tree trunk to lean against; then I sat down and thought the thing through. I looked at it from every angle and asked myself all kinds of questions.

Why did my folks want to know about everything I did and everywhere I went? Why did they want to know whom I was with?

Why couldn't they realize that I was old enough to use good judgment?

Why couldn't they trust me?”

“I know what you mean, Ben.”

“Then I tried to answer those questions from their point of view. I could answer them all right. I knew that, in their eyes, I was still just a kid. After all, I hadn't done anything to prove that I wasn't, except to grow about six feet. They were still thinking of me as a kid, and they had always known approxi¬mately where I was and what I was doing.

Why should they stop at this point in their lives?”

“I hadn't thought of it from that angle,” Jim admitted.

“Then, as to the fellows I was fooling around with—I guess they were not the choicest gentlemen in the world, but I liked them. As I looked at it from Mom's and Dad's point of view, I realized that they worried because of all this talk about delinquency.

Of course, I thought they ought to be able to trust me, but there again I tried to see it from their side.

After all, they didn't know the fellows I went around with very well, and they couldn't be sure what kind of an influence they would have on me. Then, of course, I was acting so ornery that they couldn't be sure what I might do just to defy them.”

“I see what you mean.”

“Well, answering all these questions kind of helped me to understand why they were keeping such a close watch over me, but I still wanted more independence. So I tried to figure out what to do.

I finally decided that I couldn't get it by fight¬ing for it, but maybe I could earn it by proving that I could do a lot of things that adults usually do. I thought I would try being a model son for a couple of weeks in order to repair my relationship with Mom and Dad and to get them in a better frame of mind toward me.”

“How did you get along?”

Ben laughed. “For two weeks, Jim, I was nothing but per-fect. My folks couldn't get over the change. I did everything I was asked to do. I was courteous. I was helpful. I was coop¬erative. I told them where I was going, how long I would be gone, and with whom I was going.

“Another important thing that I did was to take on some responsibilities around the house. I tried to help with some of the repairs that Mom and Dad were making in the house. Luckily I had taken shopwork; so I did a lot of the repairs myself.

They were amazed at what I could do, and so was I. I discussed politics with my Dad. He seemed surprised at how much I knew.

Little by little they were being convinced that I was growing out of short pants.”

“That was smart.”

“But you know, Jim, the funny part about it was that when I quit fighting for my independence and tried to look at thingstheir way, all the troubles between my parents and me began to disappear. I think that making our relationship better probably helped as much as the other things I did to prove I was grown up. And, really, I found out that I didn't seem to mind being decent for a change.

It was wonderful to be on such good terms about everything with the family. They met me more than halfway. As I proved myself with them, they gradually loosened the reins on me more and more. Oh, sure, there were times when we couldn't see eye to eye, but that was nothing compared to what it had been.

“I don't know whether you will want to try that kind of thing or not, Jim. It is quite a struggle, but you stand a pretty

good chance of solving the problem that way.”

“Thanks, Ben. It does sound like a struggle, but if it worked for you it just might work for me. Did you ever talk the thing out with your parents?”

“No, I didn't. But your parents are a little different from mine, Jim. Maybe you can talk things through with them. In fact, I think you can.”

“You've helped me to understand their point of view. I was just wondering if I could tell them that I do understand it and then show them how I feel about everything. Maybe we can work things out that way.”

“Why not give it a try?”

Jim did give it a try. That very night he was particularly thoughtful of his mother and father and made them feel very kindly toward him. Then he entered into a discussion of the topic that was so close to him.

His parents were quite reason-able. They said that Jim was right about the reasons for their worrying about him. They also said that they would try to give him more freedom.

Both Jim and his parents did all they could to meet each other halfway. Jim was more considerate of his family. He also tried to assume some of the responsibilities around the house, as Ben had suggested. His family appreciated that and tried very hard not to check up on him quite so closely. Gradually the problem worked itself out.

What did Jim actually do to meet this situation that had bothered him so deeply? Since he couldn't figure out what to do himself, he had the good sense to go to someone who had experienced a similar problem and who had worked it out successfully.

He went to Ben because he knew that Ben had a good relationship with his parents. Jim, too, wanted to be close to his parents and have their good will, but at the same time he wanted more freedom.

Fortunately, Ben was able to give him some good ideas. It took a lot of effort for Jim to put them into practice. He had to keep looking at things from his parents' point of view; he had to get real satisfaction from showing consideration for his family and taking an interest in responsibilities around the house.

He could do it because he saw “what it took.” He was successful in meeting his situation and in solving the problem.

You can win too

It was important for Jim and Ben, Carol, and Donald to meet their situations and solve their problems. Doing so meant the difference between happiness and unhappiness to them. Fortu¬nately, they made good adjustments. They used their own resources and found the best way out.

Many people do not make the effort to better their lot in an intelligent, constructive way. They just go on fighting or complaining or being generally unpleasant, often making the situ¬ation worse instead of better. They cannot be happy under these circumstances. It all adds up to the fact that your happiness depends very much on you.

In the following chapters you will find many suggestions for meeting real-life situations that are usual with people of your age. In later life you will have to solve even harder problems in much the same way.

A great many of these ideas have been used successfully by young men and women in high school and college—people who were like you in many ways. They had no more to begin with than you have. They simply used what they had.

You have resources

You can become the kind of person who is well liked if you really use all the resources that you have. You may have skill in sports, in art, in music; you may have a friendly smile, a genuine liking for people, a good line of conversation.

Certainly you have resources: originality, inventiveness, the ability to understand the other person's point of view and to think things through for yourself. You can learn to uncover your resources, and you can learn to put them to work.

From your resources you can develop the qualities that will help you to get along with people. When you have learned to understand and to accept people for themselves, you will have learned the basic lesson for getting along with them.

When you have learned to get along with them and to bring out the best in them, you will have opened the doors to vistas of happy human relations. And you can learn to do these two important things. It is up to you.

Know yourself better

Now, how are you going to go about all this? Perhaps the smartest approach is first to get acquainted with yourself. Figure out what you are really like. Try to take a good look at yourself.

You cannot help liking some of what you see. Write down what you like. You will have to take stock of your physical and mental assets because you will want to capitalize on them. You will find that this experience of looking for good things is like mining for gold. You will strike veins of rich ore that will help you tremendously.

Then take a look at the characteristics and habits that you think might stand some improvement. You will want to take stock of these so that you can go to work on them one at a time. Don't be discouraged at anything that you discover about yourself.

If it is a strength, you can make use of it; if it is a weakness, you can try to eliminate it. This experience will be somewhat like tuning a piano. You may find a sour note, a rusty string, a faulty pedal, or a moth-eaten felt. If you use the right tools and oil up the rusty parts, you can bring your piano into tune.

Looking at yourself objectively will be interesting for you. It is exciting to discover and admit to yourself what you have, and it is satisfying to bring harmony out of discord.

Most excit¬ing of all is the fun of using what you have and what you are able to do with yourself for the benefit of other people. You are an important part of this world—the growing part, the hopeful part.

A better world depends on better people who contribute their best to society. You are one of those people in the making.

Many persons never find out what they have—never fully use their abilities. Saddest of all, they do not use what they have for the betterment of others. They overlook their strengths and merely worry over their weaknesses.

Many people never achieve the harmony possible in their lives because they are overwhelmed by the feeling that they cannot improve. Everyone has abilities that can be put to use for his own happiness and the happiness of others.

Take your choice

You can choose between two courses of action: You can let your assets lie dormant, unused, unspent; or you can discover what they are, bring them out, put them to work for you and your society, and be among the happy and successful people in the world. It is up to you.

Let the following chapters help you learn how to develop the techniques or ways to successful living so that you can become the kind of person you would like to be.

IN ORDER TO BECOME BETTER ACQUAINTED WITH YOURSELF

Take a good look at yourself, and figure out what you are really like. Write down what you like about yourself; you have many good points.

Improve on your shortcomings, such as a lack of skill in sports.

Don't  become   discouraged; realize that everybody has faults.

How Do You Rate as a Person?

On separate pieces of paper draw two self-rating scales like the one that follows. Use one to rate yourself now, and keep the other one for a later check on your progress. Put your name and the date on the scale you are going to use now.

Note that each line extends from the poorest to the best way of meeting a situation. You may rate high on some of the items and lower on others. Read the descriptions under each line carefully.

Then put a check at the point on each line which best describes your behavior in each situation. You may rate at either end, in the middle, or anywhere in-between. [For example, in number 1 you may not either “hate the school” or “keep to yourself,” but be somewhere in-between. If so, you put the mark

(√) somewhere between the left end of the scale and the middle.]

Be very frank and honest with yourself; this rating is for you, not for anyone else. It will show you some of the possibilities in these situations;

What would I do if I were a new person in a school?

Hate the school because no one tries to get acquainted with me.

Keep to myself and wait for others to come to me.

Be friendly toward everyone and inter¬ested in student activities.

How would I try to get acquainted in a new school?

Ask the teacher to help me.

Hang around the most popular boy or girl in school.

Ask several of the most friendly stu¬dents for information, and show interest in what they are doing.

How do I treat a new person in my school?

Ignore him and hope someone else bothers to help him.

Speak to him but do not include him in my group.

Ask him to eat with me; introduce him to my friends; see that he gets into a club or on a committee.

If I want to do something but don't have the money, what do I do?

Quarrel with my parents because they won't give me the money.

Give up the whole idea and am unhappy about it.

Find a way to earn the money, or find something else to do that doesn't cost as much and is just as much fun.

When I am dissatisfied with myself, what do I do?

Feel hopeless and helpless about myself.

Feel indifferent and take a “why-bother” attitude.

Look for my good points; overcome my faults one by one; accept things I cannot change.

If someone points out some of my defects to me, what attitude do I take?

Get angry; fight back at the person criticizing me; say something mean to him.

Feel hurt but tell myself that what he said is not true.

Thank him for taking an interest in me; look at myself objectively to see if I can't improve in the ways he suggested.

When I want to go out with a date on a Saturday night but have a lot of studying to do, how do I work it out?

Tell my date that I cannot go, but feel so unhappy I can't keep my mind on my work.

Let most of the studying go and have a wonderful time.

Study hard in the afternoon and go out with my date in the evening with a carefree feeling.

Now look over your self-rating. If most of the checks are to the right of the center, you can be pleased with the progress you have made thus far. If you are at present at the low end, you have plenty of room for improvement. It's the direction in which you are moving that is important.

To check your progress, rate yourself again three or four months later, before looking at your first rating. Then compare it with the first rating to see how much progress you have made.

You Can Be Likable

Do you ever stop to wonder why some people are more likable than others?

Why is it that you enjoy going places and doing things with Eddie or Joyce?

Why do you try to avoid Harry or Adele?

What is it that makes the difference in your feeling toward some boys or some girls

What is there about you that makes others like you?

Or, what do you think you lack that keeps other people from being more friendly toward you?

Possibly you are unhappy because you don't seem to attract other people to you. Perhaps it has always been that way with you. You may be discouraged because you believe that others your age think of you as being prudish or strange.

Maybe you are a bit prudish or strange. Maybe you are selfish, critical, inconsiderate, unkind. Does that mean that you have to stay that way? Of course it doesn't.

As suggested, you have untold resources within yourself to help you in developing those qualities which make a person attractive. Surely you are not going to let those resources lie around not working for you.

Shake them up. Let them help you dig yourself out of your rut. Use them to help you develop those qualities that you admire so much in others. Of course it is important to review the qualities that you will want to develop.

It is necessary, too, to analyze them, to look at them carefully. Finally, it is important to learn how you can actually develop them yourself.

That friendly feeling

Let us think, first, about the importance of being friendly. You, yourself, know how you respond to a friendly person. He makes you feel good. An unfriendly one leaves you either a little uncomfortable or a little rebuffed. You can see from this why it is important to be a friendly person.

You may often think of unfriendly persons as snobs because they act as if they were a little too good to bother with you. So you don't feel friendly toward them either. That is a natural reaction. However, many people find it very difficult to be friendly. Some just don't seem to know how.

Others are so shy that they seem to be unfriendly.Glenn had that trouble. He was painfully shy. He had a friend or two, but unless he knew a person well he just couldn't be friendly with him. He wanted to.

He liked people, but he was always uncomfortable around those he didn't know well and he just couldn't seem to get acquainted.

Fortunately, he had a good friend by the name of George. One day George said, “Say, Glenn, why don't you be more friendly with the fellows in our class?

They think you're a little snobbish. I told them you weren't, but I wish you would do something about it.”

Sources lie around not working for you. Shake them up. Let them help you dig yourself out of your rut. Use them to help you develop those qualities that you admire so much in others.

Of course it is important to review the qualities that you will want to develop. It is necessary, too, to analyze them, to look at them carefully. Finally, it is important to learn how you can actually develop them yourself.

That friendly feeling

Let us think, first, about the importance of being friendly. You, yourself, know how you respond to a friendly person. He makes you feel good. An unfriendly one leaves you either a little uncomfortable or a little rebuffed. You can see from this why it is important to be a friendly person.

You may often think of unfriendly persons as snobs because they act as if they were a little too good to bother with you. So you don't feel friendly toward them either. That is a natural reaction. However, many people find it very difficult to be friendly. Some just don't seem to know how. Others are so shy that they seem to be unfriendly.

Glenn had that trouble. He was painfully shy. He had a friend or two, but unless he knew a person well he just couldn't be friendly with him. He wanted to. He liked people, but he was always uncomfortable around those he didn't know well and he just couldn't seem to get acquainted.

Fortunately, he had a good friend by the name of George. One day George said, “Say, Glenn, why don't you be more friendly with the fellows in our class? They think you're a little snobbish. I told them you weren't, but I wish you would do something about it.”

“I'd like to. Honest, I do try, but I get kind of scared when I'm around them and I can't think of anything to say. What do you do?”

“Well, I don't know exactly, but I think a person has to have the right attitude. For instance, you have to remember that in nine cases out of ten the other person wants to be friendly with you if you will just give him a chance.

Maybe he is having the same trouble you are, or maybe there is some¬thing else that keeps him from being any more friendly than you are. You never know about those things. So you always have to figure on going more than halfway.”

“You mean you have to be interested in the other person— how he is thinking and feeling?

It might give me something to talk about. That's a good idea. You know, I never can think of anything to say until I get acquainted, and I don't know how to get acquainted.”

“Look, you don't have to move right in on someone and do all the talking. Take it easy at first. Just smile and say ‘Hi’ for two or three times before you try a conversation, unless you get thrown into a situation where you need to talk.

Anybody can smile and say ‘Hi.’ And you just show me somebody who doesn't smile back when he gets smiled at. Goes for girls, too, only more so I think. Anyhow, try it for a while, and then it will be a lot easier to talk to the person.

“You might want to figure out something ahead of time to talk about—something that you know the other person is interested in, like sports or TV or something. And by all means, try to keep your mind on the other person and what he is saying.

If you are thinking so hard about what you are going to say, you can't listen and understand how the other person isfeeling. You need to give the other fellow your full attention. That way you won't be thinking of yourself and worrying so much about how scared you are.”

“I guess I could try that, but that conversation business still seems kind of hard. Any other suggestions?”

“Well, after you get just a little bit acquainted, you might try doing things for the person, like lending him your mitt or your tennis racket or a book or maybe suggesting that he have a sundae at the expense of your bank account. Any little friendly gesture makes a fellow feel good. Makes you feel good too.”

That was good practical advice. Glenn thought so too. He found it a little hard to do what George suggested, but he tried it, and even the first time he was fairly successful. He kept on trying for about a year, and each time he set out to get acquainted with somebody, he found it easier.

As he grew less self-conscious, he found that it was easier for the other person to be friendly with him. That was a new idea to him. He hadn't realized that his shyness had made it a little difficult for others to break through to him.

As Glenn grew more friendly, others liked him better and included him more and more in their activities. All the time, he had had what it takes to be friendly and to get acquainted and make friends. He just hadn't tapped those resources inside himself.

It is quite possible that you are thinking, “But I am not the least bit shy. I am friendly as anything, but people don't seem to like me. In fact, they kind of draw away when I bounce up to them.” That is quite a different story about friendliness, though not an uncommon one.

The eager beaver

Some people are so eager to be friendly that they overdo it. They gush, flatter, talk incessantly, try constantly to be funny, and make themselves generally obnoxious.

They are so concerned about the kind of impression they want to make that they fail miserably. They only get rebuffed and pushed further back by their unappreciative acquaintances.

Surely that is not a happy situation, but it may be the very one that you find yourself caught in. You may not even realize that in your very effort to be friendly you are annoying the people with whom you wish to make friends. You can de¬tect that in yourself. Just check yourself when you are with people.

Are you talking all the time or are you giving others a chance to talk at least half of the time?

Do you flatter people frequently—praise them without being really sincere about it?

Do you always try to be a clown?

Are you likely to be thinking about the impression you are going to make, rather than actually being interested in the other people present and in what they are saying or doing?

Are you “rushing” your acquaintances? That is, are you always at them to do something with you which would take up most of their leisure time?

Any or all of these habits can be quite annoying. Any of them may easily be the reason why you are not getting good results from your efforts to be friendly. You can overcome such habits.

Observe yourself; be your own critic. Of course you do not want to stop talking altogether or to go to the extreme of withdrawing completely. You can achieve a happybalance between the shy person who avoids people and the “eager beaver” who rushes in when he is not wanted.

Your approach should be a gentle one, not too aggressive. You will want to be just as natural as you can be, thoughtful and considerate but not always rushing people. It's like mak-ing a graceful dive into the water without causing much of a ripple, rather than doing a belly-flop that splashes everyone.

The first is satisfying to everyone, including the diver. The other annoys everybody who gets splashed and hurts the diver. A good diver has to learn to dive gracefully. You can learn to be friendly without making too big a splash.

Accent on kindness

Friendliness is closely linked with kindness—a fundamental quality which you must have or must develop if you want to be likable. Kindness is the one quality that can almost stand alone in making a person likable. Perhaps this is because kindness implies an acceptance of people with all their good qualities and their faults.

It implies an understanding of people. It means being good-natured about things. It means accentuating the positive. It means not hurting others. It means censoring critical remarks that might make someone else unhappy.

Surely the person who is truly kind should have the best chance of being well liked. Linda is that kind of person. Let us go through a day with her and see the various responses that she makes.

In the morning when Linda comes down for breakfast, she finds that her mother has forgotten to buy her favorite break-fast food. Does she complain and make her mother feel bad?

No. She knows that her mother is a busy person and that she seldom forgets things, so she just says nothing and eats something else, thus saving herself and her mother the unpleasantness of bickering.

About this time her little five-year-old brother comes up to her and wants her to fix his toy. Since she knows she hasn't time to do it before going to school, she has to refuse him. But how does she do it?

Does she just brush him off or get angry at him for bothering her? No. She explains that she can't fix it right now but that she will do it right after school.

On the way to school she goes by Mr. Cooper, who is sit-ting out in his wheel chair. She takes just a minute to go over to speak to him and to be friendly. It brightens his whole morning.

When she gets to school, she meets Clara, who always annoys her. Clara can't wait to tell her that Johnnie, Linda's boy friend, called her up last night. Linda promptly sees red. “So what?” she snaps. She struggles for self-control.

Usually she can take Clara's annoyances, but when it comes to Clara's interest in her boy friend it is almost too much. She recovers but not before adding icily that if Johnnie isn't particular whom he phones, there isn't anything she can do about it. She promptly regrets it because she knows that that was a remark which will do more harm than good.

Why did she have to snap at her that way?

Why didn't she just keep still?

If Linda would think about it, she might realize that Clara is a bit jealous of her popularity,  that Clara's self-confidence has suffered because of it. If Linda could realize this, she might find it easier to accept Clara, and Clara's faults might become less annoying, though they may never entirely disappear.

Linda still has these things to learn, but, for the most part, she does pretty well. For instance, Helen has borrowed her sweater and is just now returning it.

 “I'm afraid I got it awfully dirty, Linda. Hope you don't mind. I just didn't have time to clean it up.” Linda does mind a little, but she grins and says, “That's O.K.”

Later on Helen says to Judy, “That Linda is a good gal.”

Linda could have been unpleasant about the sweater, but in¬stead she left Helen feeling friendly toward her and thought, “After all, it only takes five minutes to wash a sweater.”

You can see why Linda is well liked, and how genuine friend¬liness and acceptance of people help to make her popular. Her spontaneous kindness is quite different from a “Lady Bounti¬ful,” self-satisfied, patronizing attitude toward people.

The thoughtful thing to do

Some people think that thoughtfulness and kindness are almost the same thing, but they really are quite different. As a matter of fact, a person can be kind, but in some ways not thoughtful at all.

Take Bill. He is a good fellow. He has a sense of humor, which makes him fairly likable, and he is kind to people and accepts them for what they are when he thinks about it. He just doesn't think about it very often.

At home, if his mother asks him to go to the store, he goes. If his father asks him to wash the car, he does so. He is quite willing to cooperate when asked to, but it never occurs to him to wash out the ring in the bathtub or to pick up his clothes.

These thoughtful acts would make things much easier for his mother. It doesn't occur to him to ask her whether or not she would like to go to a show with him or if she would like him to take care of his little brother so that she could go.

When he works on the car, he often leaves smudges of grease where it could easily get on someone's clothes. He doesn't mean to. He just does not take time to think.

It irritates him to have his parents tell him that he should be more thoughtful, but it would mean a great deal to his family if he would take the trouble to do little things to please and help them without their asking.

When Bill is checking out a tennis racket, it does not occur to him to check out another racket for the fellow he is to play with. This is a very small thing; yet the other fellow would appreciate it.

Even with girls, Bill doesn't use his head very well. Many times he has seen girls carrying heavy things, but he has not bothered to relieve them. It isn't that he wouldn't be glad to; he just doesn't think about it.

Of course Bill is a little different with Sally. He thinks Sally is just about perfect, and he spends quite a lot of his time wondering what he can do to please her. He carries her books, opens doors for her, lends her his pen, brings her candy bars. She thinks Bill is a pretty nice fellow and a real gentleman.

She cannot quite understand why the other girls do not think much of him. Of course she can't. He is very thoughtful of her. He is not thoughtful of the others. That is the big difference.

It isn't difficult to learn to be thoughtful. It does take time and effort. If you are interested in being well liked, you might sit down and think about what you can do to make your friends and your family happier.

What can you do to please them?

Would your father like you to oil his golf shoes?

Would he like you to wash the car?

Would he like you to fix that broken step?

Maybe your mother would like those old magazines carried out and burned. Maybe the furnace could stand cleaning out. Maybe she would appreciate your mowing the lawn.

At school, Jim might like to use your bike occasionally, but he doesn't want to ask you. Joe would probably welcome somehelp on his math. He certainly is having trouble with it. Maybe Mary would like to have you drive her home after play practice.

Taking time out to think about the things that will make your friends and family a little happier will give you a number of leads to work on. Noticing the things that people do for you that please you and make you like them will help you to know what to do.

Finally, if you are alert to see places where you can join in and be helpful, you will find many ways in which you can be useful. People will like you for it. You will get good re¬sponses from them, and being thoughtful will give you a real feeling of satisfaction.

HOW CAN YOU LEARN TO BE MORE TACTFUL?

By putting yourself in the other person's place.

By thinking about what you want to say before you say it

By learning to think only good about people.

By taking criticism with good will.

The art of diplomacy

Tact is another item which needs to be considered in your at-tempts at being a likable person. You know that tactless remarks can ruffle your feathers more than almost any other one thing. A tactless person is one who either consciously or unconsciously makes the kinds of remarks that irritate or embarrass people.

It is rather interesting, though, that many well-intentioned people are not tactful. They do not mean to be that way. They like the people to whom they are talking. In fact, they may think a great deal of them, but they have a knack of always say¬ing the wrong thing.

In order to be tactful, you need to put yourself in the other person's place and think how a remark is going to sound to him. You need to avoid talking about sub¬jects that are “touchy” to him. When in doubt, think before you speak.

Think how you would feel if he were to say the same sort of thing to you. Do not say anything that would be likely to offend him or hurt him. There is no point in it.

If you have heard someone say something unkind about someone else, keep it to yourself. Don't tell the person about it.

Don't let everything that goes in your ears come right out your mouth. Censor it first. Consider it fairly and objectively. Be sure that what you say will not make someone feel bad, and when you know you have hurt someone or made him angry by a tactless remark, try to remember not to repeat that same kind of mistake.

The solution is to think about the good in people. “Think no evil.” Have you noticed that sooner or later your private thoughts pop out in conversation?

So, if you can learn to think good, kind, constructive thoughts about people, you will not need to worry about saying the wrong thing.

Perhaps the most important quality for a tactless person to develop is that of being sensitive to other people. If you feel genuine consideration for them, you can learn to know what is pleasing to them and what is not. It is your business to learn those things. Again, kindness goes right to the very heart of the matter.

Suppose, for a minute, that a friend of yours is careless about checking perspiration odor and it is very objectionable to a lot of people, including you. You feel that it is your duty to tell your friend about it.

After all, you don't want people to feel “that way” about your friend, and you really do want to help. How can you do it without embarrassment?

Perhaps, at an op¬portune moment, you could say something like this, “Whew, am I hot! Couldn't stand myself if I hadn't found a deodorant that works for me. I tried about six and they weren't any good.

Took showers every day too. Ever hear of S.S.? It's wonderful. Doesn't hurt your clothes or anything. You ought to try it. You'll like it better than anything you ever used. You can try some of mine, if you want, just to see.”

Now, your friend may or may not know that you are throw¬ing a hint. It doesn't really matter too much if your friend does know, because you are pointing the whole thing at yourself. You are probably getting your point across, and you surely are doing it in a relatively painless way.

You will have few situa¬tions more delicate to handle, and the same technique could be applied in similar situations.Suppose that you are the chairman of a committee to get out publicity for a dance and one of your committee members has written an article for the paper that is inaccurate and dull.

You know that it should not go in like that, and you have to tell him. Would you go up to him and say, “Look, Jack, this is awful. It doesn't give half the facts. It isn't interesting.

Nobody wants to read that kind of stuff. For heaven's sake, liven it up, or let somebody else rewrite it”?

How do you think Jack would feel? Do you think you would get any more work out of him? Wouldn't it be better to say something like this, “Say, Jack, I surely liked the way you began your article. I thought it was going to be as wonderful as that one you did for the barn dance.

You couldn't put a few good cracks into this one, could you?

You know—like the one about the floor show. You had the whole school roaring at that one”?

Here you are referring to something good that Jack did pre-viously, rather than running down the poor job he has just done.

You may go on to ask rather casually if he has put in anything about the price of admission, the time of starting, and other essential details.If you really must criticize people for something, make an effort to find something good in their previous accomplish-ments. You can usually find something good in every situation.

Then gear in your suggestions with something that is important to them. Remember that you will help them far more if you look for the good in them. That is the essence of tact.

The power of humor

Everybody knows that a sense of humor is a most desirable thing to have. A sense of humor increases the happiness of the person who possesses it, as well as the happiness of those who are with him.

Everybody enjoys being with a person who is fun, who is able to say funny things, but who, above all else, is able to see humor in situations that might otherwise turn into trag-edy, bickering, or other unpleasantness, “A merry heart doeth good like medicine.”

It makes people feel good to be with others who can laugh heartily. And that same laughter does a lot for the person who is laughing. We can be sure, then, that a person who spreads a feeling of lightness and fun is very likely to be most acceptable company, both to himself and to others.

Unfortunately, however, not everybody has a keen sense of  humor. Some people can never see the point of a joke, can rarely laugh at themselves, and can usually see only the more serious or the seamier side to situations.

These people may get great satisfaction out of their work, leisure activities, and asso¬ciations with others, but they do not have the added zest that comes with a good sense of humor. They could avoid a great deal of unhappiness if they were able to see the funny side of things.    .

You may be one of these serious-minded people who cannot seem to get at the lighter side of life. Perhaps life has been rather rough on you. Perhaps you have always been around serious adults.

Or, perhaps you have a burning interest which leaves you no, time for indulging in the humorous. Maybe you are able to see humor in situations but are seldom able to get the point of a joke.

It is possible that you have some humor in your soul but not nearly as much as you would like to have. If any one of these things is true of you, perhaps you can find some help in the following pages.

The point is this: You can develop a sense of humor. You may never turn into a wit—the kind of person who can crack jokes all day—but that isn't necessary. It is more important for you to learn to be an appreciative audience and to learn to see the humor in various situations.

Perhaps the first thing you need to do is to begin looking for things that are funny in yourself and in the people and things around you. If you have a sour outlook on life, very little will ever seem funny to you.

You have to shake yourself up a bit and say, “Look, let us take off these dark glasses and see what there is around here that is funny.” Then you may see or hear something that will give you a great big laugh. Looking for humor and being alert to instances where it is likely to be pres¬ent will help you to detect it more readily, even if it is a joke on you.

Second, it will help you a great deal to be around someone who has a good sense of humor. You will notice what he thinks is funny. You will hear him say funny things which you might even apply yourself in a similar situation. And you will begin to pick up his attitude toward things in general. He will teach you to see the funny side of situations.

Third, you might want to make a little study of just what it is that makes people laugh. Even if you apply this only to your friends, you will discover this interesting fact: Different kinds of humor appeal to different people. What seems funny to one will not seem funny to another.

One reason for this is difference in background and vocabulary. For instance, someone who has been reared on a farm might tell a joke about farm animals which would mean absolutely nothing to someone who had been reared in the city and knew nothing about farm animals and their habits.

And, certainly, city people tell jokes about things that require a city background to understand. Fourth, you can study the cartoons or jokes which are printed in some of the leading magazines.

Why are they considered funny? What is humorous about them? You will soon find that the element of surprise is likely to be present. Often a person or an animal is pictured as doing something ridiculous or unusual.

Frequently you find everyday situations exaggerated to such an extent that they become funny. After you have analyzed these cartoons and jokes, be on the lookout for incidents that you think might make good cartoons or for a conversation which might make a good joke. It will be an interesting experiment and it will help to make you humor-conscious.

If you already have a sense of humor, or if you are able to develop one, you will want to think carefully about the use of it. There are two kinds of humor. The first is clever, kindly, and funny. The other is clever, perhaps funny, but hurtful.

Much humor consists in ridiculing others. But there is a difference in how it is done. Surely you have noticed that when some people poke fun at you, even in front of others, you laugh just as much as the others do.

When other people poke fun at you, you see red and it is all you can do to be a good sport. What makes that difference?

It isn't necessarily the people doing it. It is the way it is done and the subject which is involved.

Humor is tied up rather closely with tact and sensitivity to other people. It isn't funny to tease or ridicule someone about a matter on which he happens to be sensitive. It hurts.

HOW TO DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOR

Begin to look right around you for things that are hurts, it isn't funny. Nor is it funny to tease someone in such a way that he feels maybe he is a little peculiar and not quite accepted.

On the other hand, those who are really clever can tease or ridicule a person and still leave him feeling that he is very much liked and completely acceptable. People like to be teased and poked fun at, if it is done right.

It is flattering, and they usually like the teaser. You will want to use your humor wisely, then, if you want to have real fun and have people like you.

Cheerful earful

As you know, another very desirable quality which is closely allied with humor is cheerfulness. You know that you would rather be with a person who enjoys what he is doing and who sees the sunny side of things than with somebody, like Harold, who complains about everything that comes along.

Harold has problems, to be sure. His family has financial difficulties; he has to work outside of school; he is not making very good grades; and he has an older brother with whom he can't get along.

The combination of all these things has got him down. In fact, he has gone so far down that he can't see any¬thing good in life. He can't seem to be cheerful about anything.

As a result, he is not very desirable company, and he is not too well liked. Is there anything that he could do about it?

He could try Marge's method. Marge had problems too. Her mother was an invalid. An aunt whom Marge disliked intensely was keeping house for the family.

Marge wanted to go to college, but her father felt that he could not afford it and still pay all the doctor's bills from her mother's illness. When Marge first entered high school, she was really quite disagreeable.

She could not stand her life at home, quarreled with her aunt, complained to her father about every¬thing, and fussed at school about everything that displeased her —and most things did displease her. As a result, she had very few friends and they had a hard time getting along with her.

One day, when she was talking to her counselor, she began to complain bitterly about her whole deal in life, including the fact that she had few friends and couldn't get along with those she had.

Her counselor asked her if she had any ideas about why she didn't have more friends and why she didn't get along too well with people. Marge said she supposed that it was because she had such a bad disposition. She said that things started off wrong almost every morning with her aunt, and then she just stayed gloomy all day.

Her counselor agreed that she did have problems but thought that she had a good chance of solving them. She helped Marge to think through her whole situation and to figure out one or two things she might do to improve it.

Then she suggested that Marge do some thinking about it on her own and work out still other ideas. After she had worked them out, she was to come back to talk them over with her counselor again.

Marge arrived at the following ideas:

One, she decided to stop quarreling with her aunt and, in so far as she was able, to be thoughtful and kind every morning.

She didn't know whether she really could be or not, but, so help her, she would try. Maybe, if she were more thoughtful and considerate, her aunt would be more decent to her.

Two, she was going to make a real effort to stop being so critical of everything and everybody. Every time she found her¬self being critical of someone or complaining about something that happened to her, she was going to give up all dessert for that day. And she liked dessert!

Three, she was going to try to be much more friendly. She was determined to convince everybody she knew that she had rid herself of her grouches and was now ready for fun. Yes, she would be more friendly; and she would try to contribute to the fun of the group instead of being a wet blanket.

Four, she would try to be good-natured and a good sport everywhere she went—school, church, home, and in the neigh¬borhood.

She knew this would be hard, but she would do it. She would try to laugh off everything that seemed to annoy her.

Five, she would sing on the way to school and on the way home. Somebody had told her that if she sang a song with a lot of rhythm it would pull her spirits right up. Well, she would try it.

Six, she would try to do something nice for someone every day. She had heard that it made you feel good to do that. It would do no harm to give it a try. She would try anything to get out of the rut she was in. She decided right then whom she was going to do one thing for the next day, and she decided just what she would do.

She conscientiously tried these six ideas for several weeks and then went proudly in to her counselor to report her progress.

“You know something? That really works. My aunt is halfway human now, and the kids act so different toward me. Why, honest, I can't believe that it's me they're talking to when they come around. And they are really coming around.

They used to shun me, and now they're friendly. My mother just can't get over it. I guess I was pretty awful around the house. She can't understand what has come over me. I can't either, but I'm mighty glad it came.”

Marge was now happy because she had found that it was really possible to solve the problems that had been weighing her down, and she was happy because she had found that she could do it on her own.

To be sure, the counselor had helped her to understand herself and others better and see things in a different light; she had encouraged her to tackle the main causes, but Marge herself was the one who really had made the changes.

It is possible for everyone to become more cheerful. You can see how important genuine cheerfulness is. People like others who spread sunshine and who create an atmosphere of light¬ness and good feeling.

If you are grouchy a great deal of the time, if you find that things are getting you down, try Marge's plan of attack. It worked for her. It is quite possible it will work for you.

It's truly yours

The most important thing for you to remember always is that you can improve your personality. Now is an especially good time to do so—during your teen years, when you are sorting over your childhood habits and building more grown-up ways of behaving.

Every day gives you dozens of chances to make choices—choices that affect you and other people. You have the power within you to develop the qualities that have been mentioned here. It is a matter of studying yourself—seeing more clearly the kind of person you can become, deciding what qualities you need most to work on, and planning your attack.

Much depends on your interest in, and respect for, people. If “your heart is in the right place,” it will be fairly easy for you to learn these techniques of living. You can learn to be friendly. You can learn to be kind. You can become more tactful. Youcan become more thoughtful. You can develop a sense of humor. And you can be more cheerful.

The next chapter will give you more suggestions for develop¬ing the kind of personality that will make you a more mature person who can handle life's situations with poise and success.

How Do You Rate with Other People?

Write the numbers from 1 to 14 on a separate piece of paper. Read each question below and answer it frankly “yes” or “no.” If you are in doubt, put a question mark.

1. Do you usually listen to what other people are saying?

2. Are you really interested in people?

3. Do you really want other people to be happy and successful?

4. Do you try to say something good about everyone?

5. Are you friendly and kind to everyone, not just to the persons who might be useful to you?

6. Are you able to have a good time with the opposite sex without indulging in heavy petting?

7. Do you enjoy the good jokes that other people tell?

8. Do you do your share of the work?

9. Have you learned not to take remarks too personally?

10.  Do you cooperate when someone else is chosen leader?

11.  Are you sincere?

12.  Are you neat and clean?

13.  Can you laugh at yourself?

14.  Do you do kind things for members of your family without being asked?

When you are through, count your “yeses.” The number of “yeses” is your score. The rate more than 7, you are well on the way to understand¬ing how to get along with people. If you rate under 7, you have plenty of room for improvement. It is the direction in which you are moving that is important.

To check your progress, answer these same questions again in three or four months, before looking at your first rating. Then compare your score with the score you made the first time to see how much progress you have made.

You Can Be Successful

If you can develop the qualities which were discussed in the previous chapter, you will have the foundation for being a successful person. A successful person is one who has fine relations with others and is moving toward educational and vocational goals suitable for him and helpful to society.

Being likable pays dividends. Most employers will tell you that they consider per¬sonality to a large extent in their choice of an applicant. It is the person with the genial personality, the one who can get along with others, who is most likely to be hired. It is this same kind of person who has the best chance for advancement, provided he has certain other qualities too.

In other words, being well liked is very important as a ground¬work for success, but it is not all that is needed to give you respect and status in life. There are other very important qualities which must be developed to go with it.

Depend on yourself

Most people your age have a strong desire to be independent, to be on their own. Remember how independent you felt when you earned your first spending money ? You also probably want to be thought of as a person who can handle responsibility. You will have more prestige with others if they think of you as some¬one who fulfills every obligation he accepts.

Being self-reliant is a great asset. It means that you do not have to be overly dependent on other people to get along well.

You can depend on yourself to a great extent. Self-reliance is a sign of maturity. The infant is completely dependent on some¬one else. As he grows older, he depends less and less on his par¬ents for his welfare. He retains some dependence on them and on his friends, but if he develops normally, he will find a nice balance between his independence and his dependence.

He will find, if he tries, that he can do many things for himself that or¬dinarily have been done for him. Still there will be some things with which he will need help. Everybody depends on others to some extent. At these times he will be dependent because it is the sensible thing to do, not because he feels afraid and insecure.

It is important to develop enough self-reliance so that you can go on your own steam most of the time—make your own de¬cisions about what to do and carry them out in action.

The person who can go places by himself is better off than the one who will not even attempt to travel unless someone is with him. The person who can go to apply for a job by himself surely stands a better chance of getting it than one who has to take a parent or a friend along.

You can think of numerous little things that you either do or wish you could do without depending on someone else to help you. It takes courage, spunk, and practice to attain self-reliance.

How do you go about developing this trait?

You might try the following suggestions to get you started in the right direction.

1. Each time that you are about to ask someone to help you do something, stop for a second and ask yourself if you might not be able to do it alone.

Do you really need that help?

If youthink you can do it on your own, try it. You will often find that you are quite capable of it. Yes, you may be afraid and “have butterflies” while you are doing it, but after you have accom¬plished it, you will feel proud of yourself.

After you have done this kind of thing a few times, you will begin to have more con¬fidence in yourself. Start on the easier things—the little things that don't take too much courage and skill—and gradually work into the more difficult ones.

2. At a party, when you are afraid of being a wallflower, instead of clinging to a friend or a chaperon, look around for jobsthat need to be done—punch to be served, chaperons to begreeted and thanked for coming, strangers who need help in getting acquainted.

All this useful activity may not make you happy, because you really want a partner more than anything else. Yet you will find that it helps to show yourself and othersthat you can take it. You will also have shown that you can depend on yourself to fit into a situation and not be just an “extra wheel.”

3. Make a list of some of the things that you would like to dobut which you have always been afraid to do by yourself. It might be taking a bus or a train to a town a few miles away. It might be giving a party by yourself. It might be going after a job.

It might be any number of things. Take the one item that seems the most possible for you to do, learn the necessary skills, and then try to do it. It is only through doing things that you get over being afraid of them.

Knowing what to do drives out fear. Knowing that others are depending on you also drives out fear. You were probably afraid of the water the first time you went swimming. You made yourself go into the water. Eventually, you made yourself get your feet off the bottom and try a dog paddle.

By doing that over and over and attempting new strokes, you learned to swim and you got over being afraid of the water. You became self-reliant in that situation. You no longer needed to have anyone stay close beside you and hold you up. You can work out many other things the same way.

After you have shown yourself that you can do the first item on your list, go on to the mastery of the second one. You will soon find that these things that you have been afraid of will be¬come just a part of the day's activities.

Since it is the unknown that you are afraid of, the first step is to get acquainted with the unknown. If it is easier to have someone go through the mo¬tions with you for the first time or two, that is all right, but be sure that you follow it up very soon by yourself.

You will find before long that your list has been reduced to almost nothing. You will find that you are doing things that you did not think you could ever do. You will be relying on yourself instead of on other people.

You will have confidence in yourself and the respect of others because you will have become a capable person who can stand on his own two feet. Your chances for success will be greater because you have that confi¬dence. People will be more likely to seek your help. You will be considered capable of doing many things. You will have status.

Tap your resources

Closely associated with self-reliance is the quality of being able to figure out ways and means of doing things, ways of working out a problem, and knowing where to go to get what you need. We call this resourcefulness. Some people are just naturally resourceful.

They are full of ideas on how to go about doing al most anything. Other people have just as many resources, but they don't call them forth and put them to work. It is a kind of laziness not to use them.

Ted was a fairly intelligent fellow. He managed to get along with people well enough. He even had a sense of humor. The president of his class thought he might make a good chairman on a committee for the senior prom. So he asked him to be chairman of the decoration committee.

Ted accepted the chairmanship and then promptly began to feel completely helpless. What was he supposed to do? He didn't know anything about decorating. His mother suggested that he call his committee together to make plans. He did this The first

question the committee members asked him was how much they had to spend. He hadn't thought to ask. They wasted twenty minutes while someone looked up the president to ask him.

Once that was settled, they worked out some ideas for decoration. Ted had nothing to contribute. When the time came for buying some of the things for decorating, Ted hadn't the slightest idea how to get the money or where to go to buy the materials.

He happened to run into the class president, who asked him how things were going. Ted described his predicament, and the president wrote out the directions for him.

Actually, the presi¬dent might have done this in the first place, but since he hadn't it was up to Ted to look into the thing himself. He could have looked up the president or the sponsor in the very beginning and thus found out some of the things he needed to know.

When he went shopping for the material that the committee wanted, he found that it would cost more than they had anticipated. It did not occur to him that he might find a suitable substitute for less money.

He went back empty-handed and told the committee. An alert committee member immediately came up with an idea for a substitute. Had Ted been on his toes, he would have figured that out and saved time for himself and for his committee.

When it came time to put up the decorations, several ladders, hammers, boxes of tacks, scissors, and various other items were needed. It had not occurred to Ted to get someone to help him locate these necessities ahead of time. He had no idea where to get them. Again, an alert committee member had to take over.

Ted lost the respect of those students with whom he had been working. They could not admire anyone who was so unable to figure out ways and means of getting things and doing what was expected. There was no reason why Ted could not have been more resourceful on this job. He wasn't stupid. He just had not learned to use his head.

How could he have been more successful in this thing that he was trying to do? First of all, he should have done some good organized thinking.

He could have asked himself such questions as these: Where is the prom to be held? What kind of prom is it? How soon shall I have my committee meet?

What information do I need to have for them so that we can really get started on the project?

How much money has been allotted to us?

How do I get it? Where do I get tools to work with? How do I get the committee excused from classes to work?

He could then have gone into action and tried to find the answers that he did not know. Thus he would have been equipped to do a good job.Ted could have applied this same technique in his everyday life.

It just happened that he had got into the lazy habit of letting other people do his thinking for him. He had never both¬ered to figure things out or to plan in an organized way.

When he had bumped into a problem, he hadn't even attempted to figure out a scheme to work around it. He had given up.

From Ted's experience you can learn that it is important to be resourceful if you expect to measure up to your potentialities and keep the respect of those you are working with.

You can learn that being lazy in your thinking, and depending on others to do things for you will net you nothing but dissatis¬faction with yourself and a low status with your associates.

You can learn to be resourceful by practicing. One good way is to imagine that you are in a difficult situation with great obstacles to overcome. Then figure out what you would do. Robin¬son Crusoe found himself in a tough spot, but he figured things out and overcame the problems he met on his island.

After you have worked out a few imaginary situations, take some actual ones, even though they are unimportant, and plan how you would deal with them.

What would you do if you just had to buy a new pair of shoes and didn't have the money?

What would you do if you were a quarterback in a football game and the line of the opposing team was too heavy for you?

Taking time to figure out a solution before going into action will help you. Being willing to try something else when the first thing doesn't work will help you too. Remembering to try to depend on your own thinking is important.

It is fun and it is stimulating to be the kind of person who is able to come up with an idea that will save a situation. Your success depends to a great extent on your being that kind of person.

Go into action

Being able to put ideas or plans into action on your own, whether they are your own ideas and plans or not, is another important ability to develop. Taking hold of an ide ting it under way without having someone tell you or push you into it is called “taking the initiative.” People who do this are said to have initiative.

Those who have lots of initiative are likely to be successful because they are people who get things done. Effective leaders have a great deal of initiative. Surely you have been in a group where this kind of conversation has gone on:

John: Let's go on a wiener bake.

Dave: O.K. Where shall we go?

John: If we go down to the South Beach, we can rent some boats after we eat.

How about each one of us bringing a girl along too?

Dave: Sounds good.

John: O.K. Let's ask Joe and Tom to bring their girls too. We can bring the wieners and buns and coffee, and the girls can bring some salad and dessert. I'll be glad to buy everything and we'll divvy up later. That sound all right?

Dave: Sounds good to me.

John: What about transportation? Maybe I can get my dad's car, but if I can't we could go on the bus, I guess. Joe and Tom can figure out their own transportation. Will you see them or shall I?

Dave: Maybe you'd better. I have to work tonight.

Check back on what each one of these fellows has said. It is rather obvious which one of them took the initiative, isn't it?

John not only worked out the ideas, but he was taking the major part of the responsibility. He was the one who was ac-tually putting the ideas into action. This is typical of John.

If he sees something that is to be done—whether it is carrying out one of his own ideas or going ahead with someone else's—he does something about it. He gets it under way. It doesn't mean that he is bossy.

He just happens to be on his toes and ready to see things through. John will go places in this world. He is a likable person, and he is ready and willing to take hold when it seems desirable or necessary.

Dave is quite different. You noted that he was interested in going on the wiener bake, but he contributed little to the ideas for the party and nothing to getting it under way. All he was going to do was pay his share. He was willing to have John carry the whole thing. This is typical of Dave in everything he does.

He falls in with the ideas of other people and just goes along. He rarely gets ideas himself, and he never takes hold of anything and carries it through. He is cooperative and does his share when suggestions are made to him, but he rarely initiates any action on his own.

You learn by doing. This is the way to develop initiative. Perhaps some of the following suggestions will help you.

1. Think of something that you would like to do very much. Perhaps it would be to give a party. Perhaps it would be to get several people to go to the show with you. Maybe it would be to get a number of people to work together on some Christmas baskets. Possibly it would be to plant a small garden. It doesn't matter what it is so long as you really want to do it.

Then take hold of it and get it started. You will want to think it through, of course. You will want to plan it. You may have to ask others to help you, but you should carry the major part of the responsibility.

It is your idea you are putting into action. You will want to remember that just because you are putting the thing into action and carrying the responsibility you don't want to deny the others their say about it. The point is that you are getting it started and you are seeing it through.

If you have never undertaken a project of your own before, you may want to choose something very easy so that you can be sure that it will have a chance for success. You will get real satisfaction out of making it work.

Do this kind of thing as often as possible so that you get into the habit of thinking of things that are fun to do and of getting them initiated.

2. Try to become aware of things that other people would like to have you do. Become so interested that you will want to undertake the responsibility for getting action started on some of them. You can think of twenty things around your home that you might do on your own initiative, such as pre-paring food, doing some housework, weeding the lawn, taking the dog for a walk, redecorating your room.

There are so many things, too, that you could take the lead in at school: getting the bats and balls out on the field, undertaking a project to earn money for your club, bringing in special mate¬rials that will be helpful in illustrating what your class is studying, or persuading your club to adopt a needy school in the United States or in some foreign country which would mean sending greetings and material things.

Any of these things that you do through your own efforts, without being told by someone else, will help to make you more conscious of opportunities to step in and initiate activities. Your parents, teachers, and associates will respect you for it tremendously. They will think of you as somebody who really gets things done, often through bringing out the best in other people.

As a result of the group thinking, you may be given a job to do on a committee. Figure out the best way to do that job and then tackle it. This will give you an opportunity to use your ideas on a specific job assigned to you.

It is good to use your ideas as long as they are in harmony with the plans of the committee as a whole. When you realize that you have good ideas and that it is fun to use them, you are likely to have more ideas and to put more of them into action.

Don't be upset if your plans fail part of the time. It is pos-sible that you may undertake something that will be disapproved. Everyone does that sooner or later. Just remember that it is better to undertake responsibilities which at least seem promising than to sit passively by and let others carry the load and leave you always in the background.

Your success depends to a great extent on your willingness to take your share of responsibility and carry through.

Build self-confidence

Moving forward graciously requires self-confidence. It is hard to make progress toward your goals if you are rather shy or lack self-confidence. Here are a number of things which you can do to build self-confidence. Some are easier than others.

1. Take a good look at yourself and your environment. Some homes give young people too little opportunity to develop self-confidence.

Are you completely dependent upon your parents or do you manage to do many things for yourself?

Do you allow your brother or sister to do things for you?

What happens when you are with your best friend?

Does he or she take the lead in everything, or do you put your ideas in practice part of the time?

In what kinds of activities do you have some self-confidence?

Are you good in athletics? Schoolwork? 

Cooking? Some hobby?  Singing? Playing an instrument?

When you have looked at the possibilities and decided what you can do well, you will feel more capable of engaging in an audience.

Associate with someone who has a good sense of humor. Try to discover what makes people laugh. Study cartoons and jokes in papers and magazines activity, and you will not mind participating in it with other people.

2. Demonstrate to yourself that you really are capable in many areas. For example, you build confidence in yourself as an automobile driver after you learn to drive and as you practice driving. Soon it becomes automatic and you are confidentthat you can drive anywhere.

You decide that you can driveyour parents to some resort for a week end or a vacation. Soyou suggest it and you do it. You can do it because you havedeveloped confidence in yourself when it comes to driving a car.

As you develop self-confidence, take any small project that you want to do but which you have not had either the courage or the push to do. Try to see clearly why it needs to be done, what it means to you, and just how it should be done.

You might fail the first time or two, but keep at it. Do it over and over until it becomes easy and you feel entirely at home doing it.

Then go on to something else. As you learn to do more and more things that you thought you could not do before, you are going to gain confidence.

Suppose you have always wanted to work on some club com¬mittee. However, you have always been shy, and so you have been overlooked. Even though you are shy, you can still make an effort to develop a skill which could be used on a committee.

Skill in art is an asset. Skill in carpentry is always welcome. If you become skillful at something, people will find out about it and want to make use of your talent.

3. Having built a certain amount of self-confidence in certain fields, begin to put it to work. You can begin to express your opinion on subjects about which you have gained knowledge. Maybe at first it will just be a “yes” or a “no” in answer to a direct question. But make at least one statement if you can.

It will become easier as you go along and practice doing it. As it becomes easier, you can extend your remarks. The more you do it, the easier it will be. Eventually, you should be able to volunteer your opinion or ideas in most situations where you know what you are talking about.

There are many people who are able to move forward rapidly in some fields but not in others. They have become competent in a given field and feel confident that their ideas in that field are as sound as anyone's. Since they feel that way, they are able to express themselves well about that subject.

Bud was that way. He was really quite a shy fellow. But it happened that he had tinkered with radios all his life and knew as much about them as most adult experts. When it became necessary to have a special radio set up for broadcast¬ing at his school, he was in on it.

It was easy for him to take over the major responsibility for setting it up and of directing others to help him. If a dispute arose over some technicality, Bud expressed himself very well and usually carried his point because he knew what he was talking about. He did it, how¬ever, in an easy, quiet manner.

He was not pompous or ob¬noxious in any way about it. He was very much respected in this field. He could be successful in other fields, too, if he wanted to take the time to familiarize himself with them.

Increase enthusiasm

One of the best tools for getting your ideas across is enthu-siasm. If you are really excited about an idea and eager to put it across, you will be bubbling over with enthusiasm. Don't beafraid that showing tremendous interest in something will make you seem immature.

Enthusiasm generates drive to carry it out. It is so much easier to work on something that you are keen about than on something that does not interest you. It is when you are pleas¬antly excited about something that you do your best work.

Students who are eager to give a party will work and work on planning for it—putting up decorations, cleaning up the place where the party is to be given, mixing the punch or preparing other refreshments—and then have a wonderful time at the party.

Enthusiasm is catching. If you are really enthusiastic about your idea, others may get enthusiastic too. Suppose, for a minute, that your friend Jeanette is art editor of the yearbook. You have happened to see some of her drawings and you think they are excellent.

You are enthusiastic about them. If you can express that enthusiasm to Jeanette, you will give her a tremendous lift and a real desire to work toward making even better drawings.

It means very much to a person to have someone else show enthusiasm about his work. Try it and see for yourself. If you were a leader in a club, your genuine enthusiasm about each member's contribution would create interest and stimulate them to do still better work on a given project.

If you were a businessman, it would be effective in making your employees want to work still more efficiently. People work well and want to try harder when their work is received with genuine en¬thusiasm and praise.

You may be wondering how in the world you can generate enthusiasm. Maybe you just aren't the enthusiastic type. Still,you can do much toward building up an attitude of mind toward things in general.

Are you going to be interested in things about you or are you going to let the world go by you ?

It is quite possible for most people, if they want to do so, to develop genuine interests.

Keith was a passive type of person who rarely showed interest in anything but his mother's pies and cakes. Almost everything else around him left him cold. He liked people well enough, but he was not very much interested in what they were doing. This attitude of his worried his father so much that he decided he would try to get Keith interested in something.

He suggested several activities that the two of them might do together, but Keith was indifferent. Finally, Keith's father asked him if he wouldn't like to help build a small sailboat. Keith said, “Oh, I'll help you with it, if you want me to.”

Keith was really fond of his father, and he did not want to hurt him by refusing to do something with him. So he tried hard to assume an interest in the boat as they began work. His dad was smart enough to let Keith carry much of the responsi¬bility of the thing, asking his advice on some points and ask¬ing him if he would mind going down to the docks to get facts on this and that.

In spite of himself, Keith began to see that there was some¬thing to this sailing business. He began to do some reading on the subject and to go down to the bay to watch some of the boats sailing around. He noticed many details of their action. He even managed to go sailing several times with some of the boys he had become acquainted with down at the docks.

He told his friends about the project, and as he talked, he found himself becoming enthusiastic. His friends became interested, too, and began to go down to the dock with him. They watched Keith and his father at work from time to time, and three of the boys decided that they were going to build a boat of their own.

What actually happened here was that Keith made himself assume an interest that he did not feel just in order to please his father. Then, as he got into it and saw how much there was to it, he began to feel a real interest; and as he pursued it, he became enthusiastic.

His enthusiasm carried along three or four of his friends to the point where they, too, wanted to build and sail a boat. The enthusiasm that you develop can carry you far along the road to success.

Roll up your sleeves

The final trait which contributes toward making you a suc-cessful and respected person is that of working at a job until you get it done. Talking about it may seem boring, but actually taking a job and seeing it through helps to keep the wheels of the world turning.

People who make the wheels turn are recog¬nized as important people. They are the people who make the greatest contribution to our schools, our communities, our states, our nations, and even to our world. Rolling up your sleeves and going to work on something is mighty important.

Those who do not want to work or who will not carry through on something are considered lazy by most people. They are enthusiastic while the plans are being made, but as soon as the work begins they lose their enthusiasm and are not willing to put forth the effort to finish a job.

There are manypeople like that, but they are not the successful people whom the world needs.It takes something a little special to carry a project through to completion, to take on work that is really work and not all  play. A great many people do not seem to have that special something.

If you have it, you are very lucky, because people will admire you very much for it. Haven't you heard your friends say, “Kay will take care of that angle for us. It is a hard job, but she will carry through with it.” Kay has the ability to keep the goal in mind. It stimulates her and helps her to get the job done.

Kay is just the opposite of Sam, who is more likely to say, on being requested to do something that isn't much fun, “That's an awful job. I'm not going to do it. Let somebody else do it. I'll help out on tasting the refreshments. I'm an expert on that.”You think of Kay as being a wonderful person; you think of Sam as being someone you can't count on.

Which one do you respect?

Maybe Sam thinks it is smart to act lazy. Some people do. Laziness hurts you in your rating with your friends and associates. People who lag along really miss out on a lot of the good things in life. They don't get that satisfying sense of accom-plishment that comes from seeing a job through.

Remember how it feels to write the last word on a term paper? Do you know how good it feels when you have just finished cleaning up your room? Maybe you hated to begin tasks like these, but you have a wonderful feeling of accomplishment when they are completed.

You will be surprised to find what a boost it is for your morale, too, to get things done. A good worker, who is busymost of the time, is very likely to be much happier than a lazy person like Sam. When you work at something and enjoy doing it, you are not likely to have much time to complain. You have set a job for yourself, you are working at it, and you are getting a lot of satisfaction.

You have an interest that keeps you occupied and doesn't leave you with time on your hands to think about the things you can't do. No matter how small the job may be, you are putting something into it and you are getting something out of it. Work without play is not good, but neither is play without work.

It seems obvious that working at something—whether on a regular paid job, on a hobby, on a project with some com-mittee or with the class—is very important. But maybe you just do not like to work or you feel more like sitting.

How can you get started on something that is worth while?

There are two things first to be considered here: One is your health and the other is your attitude of mind. If you are not well, you surely do not feel like working or being busy. But health, in many cases, can be improved. Eating a balanced diet, getting plenty of sleep, having regular health habits, taking suitable exercise, drinking plenty of water—all these will help to improve your general health.

Checking with the doctor may reveal the fact that your lack of energy is caused by anemia or an inadequate diet or something else that can be remedied. If you do have good health habits but still lack drive, you might check with your doctor for other possible causes.

Your attitude of mind toward the work and toward the actual carrying out of a given activity can also be remedied if it is not all it should be. In order to work on something, a person has to see a need for doing it. He has to see that it is worth his time and effort. Developing that interest seems to be the most logical thing for you to do.

We have already dis-cussed one way by which you can develop an interest in some¬thing: by assuming the interest, participating in the activity, reading about the various aspects of it until you find out whether you are truly interested in it or not.

Another way to develop an interest is to figure out what possible benefits will result from the project, whatever it may be. Suppose that your club needs someone to undertake the publicity for some big event. You wonder whether you want to bother. It is a big job which entails a great deal of work.

What is there in it that will make you volunteer to do it?

You may put down the advantages as follows:

1. I will have a chance to use some of my own ideas.

2. I want to do something for the club.

3. It will give me a chance to get acquainted with others in the club whom I don't know too well.

4. I can give some members who have never been included before a chance to work on this. That will mean much to them.

5. It will help me to be better known so that if I want to run for an office later on, I will stand a better chance of getting it.

6. It will be good experience for me in my life's work later on.

7. The money we are to raise is for a worthy object—sending food to hungry children in other countries.

Some of these reasons are self-centered and some of them are anything but selfish, but they are all good ones. There is enough there to merit your interest. It is fun to be active, to do things with your hands, and to use your mind. It is good to be of service and to work with others toward a worth-while goal. Yes indeed, you are interested in doing this; so you volunteer to do it.

When you have finished, you will have the added benefit of feeling pride in your work, a sense of accomplishment in having carried it through, and a good feeling of having given others a chance to show what they could do—and you probably will be the proud possessor of some new friends or acquaintances.

Once you have experienced the satisfaction of having done  a job like this, or any other kind of job, you will be more likely to want to undertake still more jobs. All of the traits which have been mentioned in this chapter —self-reliance, resourcefulness, initiative, self-confidence, enthusiasm, and industriousness—you can develop and put to work for yourself and for others.

You can have drive to be active, the desire to be useful, the ability to see the possibilities in many situations—possibilities for rest and relaxation as well as for worth-while and satisfying activities. You have the re¬sources within you to do it.

How Do You Rate in Responsibility?

Write the numbers from 1 to 14 on a separate piece of paper. Read each question below and answer it frankly “yes” or “no.” If you are in doubt, put a question mark.

1. Are you able to travel by yourself in a city or in the country?

2. Do you feel that you could go by yourself to apply for a job.

3. Do you carry through responsibilities that you undertake of your own accord or that are given to you?

4. When you are with your crowd, do you have good, useful ideas about what to do and where to go?

5. When you are on a committee, are you able to think through your duties and then carry them out without bothering  your  president  or  your  adviser  more  than once?

6. Do you take time to figure out the best way to attack a problem before you plunge into it?

7. Are you able to figure out ways and means of doing something when you and your friends are “up a stump”?

8. When you have several things to do, are you able to push ahead and get them done?

9. Are you alert to situations where you could take hold and carry the responsibility? 

10. Are you able to keep from being upset if your plans do not work out as you had hoped?

11. Have you gained some skill or talent that you can use successfully?

12. Do you know of three worth-while things that you can do very well?

13. Are you willing to try again the things in which you have failed?

14. Do you get satisfaction from the work you do even though you don't get paid?

When you are through, count your “yeses.” The number of “yeses” is your score. The highest possible score is 14. If you rate more than 7, you are well on the way to being a responsible person. If you rate under 7, you have plenty of room for improvement.

To check your progress, answer these same questions again in three or four months, before looking at your first rating. Then compare your score with the score you made the first time to see how much progress you have made.

You Can Have Good Friends

Perhaps one of the most important things in your life is to have good, lasting friendships. Friends make life so interesting, so much fun. They make you laugh. They make you think.

They provide opportunities to do things that you could not do alone. They help you to build new interests. They give you support and help when you need it, and they provide you with the companionship that makes you happy.

The importance of friends

You need companionship with people your own age. You need companions with whom to share your thoughts, experiences, and fun. You need them when you are happy so that you can enjoy whatever you are doing together. You need them when you are unhappy so that you can pour out your troubles to them and get the reassuring feeling that they are with you 100 percent.

No one can be completely self-sufficient in the kind of world we live in. All of us depend on others for much of our comfort and happiness and they, in turn, depend on us in the same way. It is important, then, that we make good friends and that they be the kind of friends that will bring us the happiness, comfort, and support that we need.

It is just as important that we learn what it means to be a good friend. It takes time to do both of these things. Deep friendships are not made over-night. They grow from common interests, from doing things together, from doing things for one another, and from sharing thoughts, feelings, and confidences.

It is a wonderful experi¬ence to make real friends and to keep them. Everyone should have that experience, but it is amazing how many people find it difficult. That was Mary's problem. Complaining to her mother one night, she said, “I don't know what is the matter with me. I manage to get acquainted with girls and even boys, but I can't seem to make good friends of them.

If I do begin to feel that I am making a friend, somehow he always sooner or later drifts out of my picture. I don't really have any good friends. I just don't know what to do.” Mary felt very unhappy about it.

Sometimes it helps to understand why making friends is so difficult for people. The reason often goes back to very early childhood. Some babies get more affection than others. Since to be loved makes one loving, a child who is loved usually is  able to establish warm and friendly relations.

The baby who has not had much affection does not early learn to relate him¬self to other persons. Never having had enough affection, he may feel that the whole world is unfriendly.

This attitude  often persists as he grows up. If he understands why he feels unfriendly and if he puts into practice some of the ideas set forth in this section, he should be able to make some progress in moving toward people and with people rather than away from them into his own shell or against them in hostile ways.

What it takes to make friends

Some people don't know how to go about making good friends, while others have a real knack. What is it that makes the difference? Is it looks, glamour, or physique? You know that these may help, but they aren't the real reason because there are many people who have looks or glamour or a fine physique who do not have real friends.

And there are many people who have none of these assets and still have many friends. It is the deeper qualities that make the difference—kindness, genuine love of people, the habit of moving with rather than away from or against people, of looking at things as others see them, and of helping them to be successful and happy.

These quali¬ties were discussed in the above are the qualities that  really count in relationships with people. These are the ones that you need to develop in order to have a fundamental basis  for building friendships. From these deeper feelings spring the simpler kinds of surface behavior described in this section.

1. Be agreeable. Sarah, who had several good friends, was asked what she thought was important in making and keeping friends. She said, “Well, you have to make yourself agree¬able. You have to be pleasant about things so that people want to be around you.

“Then you have to have fun with your friends. Even when the activities that your friends enjoy don't happen to appeal to you, you have to get as much fun as possible out of them. Frequently, if you fall in line with your friends' wishes, you find yourself liking the activity after all.

”I remember going with a fellow who always wanted to have steak bakes. I hated steak bakes because I could not see any point in eating perfectly good meat with sand in it. And I didn't like good cake overrun by ants. I knew, though, that if I weren't a good Joe and if I did not go along and bring some good steak sauce, I might lose that man and I didn't want to lose him! So I ate sand and ants.

Seriously, though, after awhile I got into the spirit of the thing and enjoyed myself. I also con¬tinued to enjoy that fellow's company.”

2. Be interested. Another thing that is important to friend-ship is being genuinely interested in the other person. You will want to be interested in his successes, happinesses, failures, sorrows, and activities.

You enjoy talking to someone who is interested in how you feel about things and in what you are doing. If he asks good questions and shows he is eager to know more about the things that you are thinking or doing, you find yourself expanding on the subject and wanting to tell more.

You feel pleased to think that somebody cares about what you are doing. It is so important to be enthusiastic about your friend's suc-cesses. Let him know that you are in there cheering for him all  the way.

He may act modest about something he has done, but it warms his heart to know that you recognize that he has done  something well and that you are happy about it for him. With friends behind him, he is ready to go forward. If you want to be  a good friend, you will show your genuine interest in him—in his ideas, feelings, and activities.

Everyone needs recognition. There is something about it that gives one a lift and a zest to go out and do bigger and better things. It builds self-confidence; it helps one to think that maybe after all there is a spot for him under the sun if he makes the effort to find and to win it.

HOW YOU CAN BECOME SELF-RELIANT

When you are tempted to ask for help, pause to consider whether you might show yourself that you can do something you at first thought was too difficult.

Make a list of several things you are afraid to try doing alone. Decide to do the one thing on the list for which you have the most ability.

IF YOU WANT LASTING FRIENDSHIPS

Be an agreeable companion and join in the fun.

Help your friends to make the most of themselves.

Be loyal and hold the confidences of your friends.

Develop some common interests with your friends.

Be sympathetic. You should be sympathetic and understanding with a friend in his failures too. It is mighty hard on a person to appear unsuccessful in something, and it is devastating to him if his friends whisper about it. What he needs is someone to build him up again, someone to give him confidence so that the old spark will come back.

People do not fail if they can help it. The feeling of failure is too hard to take. It may be that there is a reason for it  over which the person has no control. If this person is your friend, it is up to you to help him learn from failure and work  with him so that he will not fail that way again.

Never belittle him for what he cannot succeed in. Be understanding of it.  Make a big point of reminding him of the many things he has accom¬plished—the things he can do.

Obviously, if he has a sorrow, you will do everything pos-sible to make things easier for him. Do not be afraid to go into his home. Don't worry about what you should say. Just be close so that he will feel the warmth and the support of your friendship. That is the most important thing.

Make your friends feel important to you. Jane, who has several close friends, says, “You should let your friends know that they count in your life. You don't necessarily have to tell them. You just sort of let them know.

If they feel that part of your happiness depends on them, they will have some feeling of responsibility toward you. It is important because youmake them feel necessary and wanted in your life, and that makes them feel good.”

Jane is right. Everyone wants to feel necessary. Life doesn't seem worth living if you don't feel that you are necessary to  someone's happiness or well-being. Let them do things for you. Jane might have added that you should allow your friends to do things for you.

Surely you  can remember how you felt the last time you did a thoughtful little thing for a friend. Somehow it brought you a little  closer to that person. It gave you a feeling of softness and of warmth. If that is true for you, it is true for the other person too. So don't deny him the privilege.

Keep, confidences. A real friend is a person in whom you can feel complete trust and confidence. You know that you can tell him anything and he will not betray your trust or undermine you in any way. It is wonderful to feel that you can go to him with anything, that he will listen with interest and with sympathetic understanding, and that he will never disclose to anyone what you have told him.

The ability to keep confidences is a necessary element in building a deep and sincere friendship. Your friend must have faith in you. You can be worthy of this faith. You can learn not to repeat the things he tells you in confidence. You can, and you must, do  this if you expect to have friends.

Telling people every¬thing you know about others, including your friends, is a habit. You  can correct the habit by reminding yourself often that you can and will keep to yourself anything that you have learned in confidence—that you will keep faith with your friends.

Have a common purpose. A common purpose will bring you and your friends closer together. This means that by developing something together—some project that is important to both of you—you will think and feel together about the thing in a way that will draw you closer.

When fellows are playing football, they always feel closer to their teammates on the gridiron than when they see them at a dance. When girls are working on a committee together, they have a feeling of closeness and good companionship.

When you have worked side by side with other boys and girls in a child-care .center or in  mending toys for children who have no playthings or in sharing a fine religious program, you have made your bonds of  friendship firmer. That is because you are all pulling to-gether on a single activity that seems of value to all of you.

Two boys who were fairly good friends persuaded their parents to let them take a week-end trip together. In their planning it  together—deciding what they would do, what they would take, how they would spend their money—and then in their actual sharing  of the experience of the trip, they became much closer friends.

There was a stronger bond between them. They had planned and  worked out something together. By planning things together, being an agreeable companion, being interested in the other person, giving him a lift when he  needs it, encouraging him, making him feel important to you, doing things for him, and being worthy of the trust that he has  in you, you surely can prove yourself to be the kind of friend whom anyone would want.

Things to avoid in friendships

Perhaps you have gathered from experience that there are some things which you must avoid if you want to keep a friend. This is very true. Here are some kinds of behavior that wreck friendships.

1. Criticism. One of the things to be avoided in a friend-ship is criticism of the other person. There will be many times  when you disagree with your friend. There will be many times when you completely disapprove of what he does, but at those  times you must not make him feel that you disapprove of him.

There is a big difference between being critical of what a person does and of being critical of the person him-self. Remember that he does many good things. After all, that is why you like him. If you feel that you must express your views, discuss only the behavior of which you disapprove and which is out of line with the kind of person you think he is.

Even in expressing or discussing your views of his action, you need not leave him feeling bad. And you should try very hard  always to come up with something constructive, some good suggestion that your friend might use as a substitute for the undesirable action.

Suppose that your good friend is chairman of a committee of which you are a member. He is full of suggestions about the committee's project. He is so enthusiastic that he railroads his ideas through in spite of some of the protests of the  members. You are considerably irked about it and intend to let him know how you feel.

Will you make cutting remarks about his trying to run the whole show?

Will you tell him that you can't stand people who force their ideas through, even when most of  the committee oppose them?

If you do talk that way to him, he will be very much hurt. Yet you feel that he should know that you do not approve of his being so domineering. Can't you say something like this: “Your ideas for the big show are pretty good, Kurt, but I'm not too sure that the committee is entirely satisfied with the plans. Maybe we should spend more time discussing some of their ideas before we decide what to do.

They may be willing to go along if they have more to say about it.

What do you think?

I know your ideas are good and I know that you can carry them through almost by yourself, but it seems to me that this thing belongs to everybody and that maybe they ought to have more of a chance to give their opinion.

After all, you want them to be with you. I do, anyway, and I have a feeling that some of them are going to balk”?

You have told him quite a bit here. You have complimented him on his ideas. You have used “we” in one place so that he feels that you are sharing some of the responsibility of not having given the others enough to say. Then you have indi¬cated that  you want everybody to be with him on the project.

Yet, in doing all these things, you have still made it clear that you don't  think it is right for Kurt's ideas to be the only ones put into practice. Kurt is far more likely to see the logic of calling  another meeting to seek the ideas of the others through this approach than he is through a direct attack on him as a  domineering person.

You have kept him feeling that you like him and you have been constructive in making him aware of the importance of using a  more democratic approach. Always remember that it is the person who is important—not the thing he does.

Jealousy, Jealousy among friends is one of the biggest hazards in the world to lasting friendships. If you allow jealousy to enter into your relationship with your friends, you spoil all the fun, joyousness, and satisfaction which real friendship offers. It is very important to avoid that old “green-eyed mon¬ster.” You should put him on your black list. Snub him. Avoid him.

We aren't saying that this is an easy thing to do. It is one of the hardest things in the world to do. It is difficult  because jealousy so often comes from a lack of self-confidence in a given situation. A boy may become jealous if he sees his  girl with another fellow—particularly if she appears to be inter-ested in what the other fellow is saying or doing.

Why? Because his confidence is shaken. Maybe his girl is going to think that the other fellow is more attractive than he. His self-esteem is in danger. He has felt possessive toward his girl, and he may fear now that there is a chance of losing her.

He becomes emo¬tional. He may not think straight. The incident may be exag¬gerated in his mind. He may behave very badly because he is being driven by a blind emotion. It is very easy to be jealous of one's friends.

Dorothy, who never seemed to mind when her boy friend went out with other girls—in a casual way, that is—was asked why she never got jealous. “Who says I never get jealous?” said she.

“When I see that man of mine playing around with some of those girls around here, it just burns me up. I suppose I don't appear to be jealous but that is just because I can't stand to see people act so crazy when they feel that way.

So I cover up and appear fairly normal. I've seen too many good friendships wrecked and too many fellows and girls break up over this jealousy business, and, believe me, that is not going to happen to me.”

Dorothy is a smart girl. She is jealous, just as many people are and just as strongly, too, but she can't stand the thought of letting herself go or of endangering her relationship with her man. Consequently, she works off her jealousy in acceptable ways. This makes her seem well-controlled outwardly, in spite of what is going on inside her.

Almost everyone at some time feels jealous. It is a natural kind of emotion, but it is important to keep it under control. There is dynamite in a jealous rage. An outward show of jeal¬ousy often makes a person look ridiculous.

After the emotion has passed, the person feels foolish and ashamed because he did not have better control. Both of the persons involved will be happier if the cause of the jealousy is either calmly discussed or if it is ignored.

There are other kinds of jealousy than that which arises between boys and girls. Some people get jealous of their friends' achievements or of their possessions. We have said that a real friend is one who is always cheering for his friend, who is encouraging him to do bigger and better things.

That is true. If you really care for your friend, you will be all for him and you will really feel it and mean it. If you have a friend whom you really like a lot but who is in the limelight more than you, you may have a hard time with yourself to keep completely free of jealousy.

It is hard on your self-esteem to be constantly outshone by the person you are with the most. As we have said, when something is hard on your self-esteem, it is difficult to manage your feelings.

What to do then?

Probably the best thing you can do is to take stock of your own assets. What is there about you that is admirable and attractive?

What is it that you do well? Then concentrate on these assets. Develop them. You have things that are attractive about you that your friend does not have. Make them important enough so that you can feel safe and secure as a person.

It will not be a matter of trying to outdo your friend. It will build your own confidence enough so that you will not resent his achievements or attractiveness. You can admire him because you, too, have many admirable qualities.

Try to tie up another person's achievement with something which means a great deal to you. Then there will be no occa-sion for jealousy, because your friend's success will become part of something bigger than either of you. For example, both Alice and Eleanor were interested in an art festival to raise money for a neighborhood nursery school.

Alice was the star in a very cute dance and Eleanor was backstage helping with the props. Because of the interest she had in the success of the project, it was no problem for Eleanor to be extremely happy that Alice received much applause.

Some people don't have too much trouble about feelings of jealousy themselves, but they have a problem about others who get jealous either of them or of friends of theirs. It is difficult to help those who tend to get jealous easily.

The important thing is to be understanding. You must remember that jealous people are experiencing a devastating feeling of insecurity. The most important thing to do, perhaps, is to help them to get more confidence in themselves.

Point out the attractive  things that you see in them. Show them how much they really have. Give them evidence of your belief in them. Make them feel that they are important to you and that you think they have a lot to give other people.

Another thing you might do is to let them talk it all out with you. Sometimes it helps them to face the fact that they do become jealous easily and that it is something that they need to work on.

Perhaps you can help them to learn to behave better when they are emotionally upset so that, at least, they will not have to suffer remorse after making themselves appear ridiculous. It is not an easy thing to do, but a real friend will attempt, through kindness and understanding, to help.

Throughout this discussion, you have seen the importance of reducing the need to feel jealous—if possible—through an attempt to gain self-confidence and to view another person's success as a part of a larger whole. You must work at it, because your friends are so important.

Don't risk losing them at the hands of the “green-eyed monster.” Possessiveness. Sometimes the problem isn't so much to make and keep friends as it is to develop a well-balanced friend¬ship. In a well-planned friendship, neither person is too dependent upon or too possessive of the other.

However, as a friendship develops, it sometimes happens that one person be¬comes overly possessive of the other and does not wish to share him or her with anyone else.

This happened to Phil. He had a large number of friends with whom he liked to do things, but Hank always acted hurt and made remarks if Phil didn't see him very often.

It worried Phil because he was beginning to feel fenced in. He could not find enough time to be with his other friends because Hank took most of his time. Whenever Phil neglected him, Hank would sulk.

Finally, Phil decided to talk it over with his dad. He said, “Dad, what do you think of Hank?

I like him, but he's getting to be a regular weight around my neck. He acts hurt if  he isn't in on everything I do, and he just will not do anything without me. He sits around and sulks if I don't spend all my  time with him. I don't know what to do with him. Got any ideas?”

“Well,” said his Dad, “I would tell him to go jump in the lake. I just wouldn't stand that kind of thing myself.”

“Yes, but I like him, “Phil responded. “He really is a good friend. It is just that he depends on me so much.”

“Have you ever tried to get him interested in other people —a girl maybe, or even other fellows?” asked his father.

“Yes, I've tried that and it works for a little while, but then he is right back on my neck again.”

“Well, have you talked things over with him?”

“No, I haven't. I don't know what to say, and I don't want to hurt his feelings.”

“Maybe you could tell him about somebody who needs help —the kind of help that Hank could give him. When somebody needs help  and you give it to him, you feel kind of responsible for him. Maybe you could get him interested in somebody else that way.”

“That's an idea.”

“Here's another idea. Why don't you get Dick and Mike and Al to ask him to do something with them once in a while. Maybe if  he felt included in some other group or even if he thought one of those fellows was a little bit interested in him, he would start doing a few things with them. He is a good fellow and they would like him. It would not be a bad deal for anybody then.”

Phil's dad had two good ideas. The first one was to divert Hank's attention by getting him to help someone who needed help.

The other idea was to get him interested in other people and what they were doing, and to make him feel wanted and approved  of by them. Some of you may have had the same kind of experience that Phil had.

You feel a little trapped because you know how much  everything you say and do will affect this person who is so dependent on you for his happiness. If you happen to be having  that experience at this particular time, try the things that Phil's dad suggested to him.

You must realize that a certain amount of dependency and possessiveness is to be expected between close friends. That is natural and good. It is only when it is carried to an extreme that it becomes an unnatural and unhappy situation for both  people concerned.

No one wants to feel trapped or penned in by another person, even though he likes to feel that his friend has confidence in him and can depend on him for a part of his happiness. It is a matter of keeping a balance in your friendship.

If it happens that you are a dependent and possessive kind of person yourself, you will want to think carefully about Phil's reaction to Hank. That dependency was bothering Phil a lot or he would not have gone to his father with his prob-lem.

Though Phil liked Hank, Hank was driving him away because Phil could not stand being hemmed in. You will want to be careful not to drive your friends away from you in this way.

Here are some of the things you can do if you have a tend¬ency to be over dependent on one person:

1. You can try to get acquainted with someone else who is interesting or needs help. Give him some of your time. Try to make his lot easier for him. In doing things for others, you will have to rely on yourself a bit more and you will be diverting your attention away from the person on whom you are too dependent.

2. Try to become better acquainted with other people and do things now and then with them. You may find great enjoyment in the new friends that you will make this way.

3. Try to realize the values you can gain by giving your friend more freedom. You must know that the more friends and experiences he has, the more likely he is to be a more interesting  person. You can share other friends with him and thus broaden your own associations.

That way you will have a much better time because many people will be contributing to your happiness instead of just one, and you will be contributing to many instead of only one. It isn't easy to overcome possessiveness and dependency. But it is so important to your own happiness and to that of your  friend that you must make the effort.

It is a good idea to have many friends of both sexes, different backgrounds, and of varying ages because, as a rule, each one will have something interesting to contribute to you.

You, too, should be contributing what you have to offer to a number of  people. It is the interchanging of ideas, jokes, fun, excitement, experiences—the pooling of your interests and  personalities— that make friendships so satisfying.

How Do You Rate as a Friend?

Write the numbers from 1 to 14 on a separate piece of paper. Read each question below and answer it frankly “yes” or “no.” If you are in doubt, put a question mark.

1.            Are you successful in making friends?

2.            Are you successful in keeping friends?

3.            Are you happy about your friends' successes?

4.            Are you sympathetic in their failures?

5.            Do you let your friends know that they are important to you?

6.            Do you keep confidences?

7.            Do you, now and then, develop some project with a friend so that you will have more in common?

8.            Do you make it clear to your friend that you like him, or her, even though you disapprove of what he, or she, does?

9.            Do you find better ways than moodiness or anger to work off your emotions when you are feeling very jealous?

10.          When your friend becomes jealous, do you try to help him, or her, gain the kind of self-confidence that will make jealousy unnecessary?

11.          Are you glad when a friend of yours takes the limelight?

12.          Do you try not to be with just one friend all the time?

13.          Do you have more than five friends, including one or two close friends?

14.          Do you have friends among both boys and girls?

When you are through, count your “yeses.” The number of “yeses” is your score. The highest possible score is 14. If you rate more than 7, you may feel pleased with your ability to make and keep friends. If you rate under 7, you have plenty of room for improvement. It is the direction in which you are moving that is important.

To check your progress, answer these same questions in three or four months, before looking at your first rating. Then compare your score with the score you made the first time to see how much progress you have made.

You Can Get Along with Others

When your great, great, ever-so-great Aunt Emma walked home in a huff, it was obvious that she could not get along with people. “Walking home,” figuratively speaking, is what people do when they have trouble with others.

They with-draw. Our relations with others is one of the best practical tests of personality. “Human relations,” “social living”—these are key words today.

What is the use of fighting?

If you don't get along with a teacher, you have a mighty bad time in her class. You feel resentful because you think that she is always picking on you. You feel that maybe she is giving you a lower grade than you deserve. You work up an attitude which spoils one class period every day.

You may go out of her room sulking or at least harboring a bad mood. That may affect you to the point where you snap at a good friend. He may snap back in reply. That doesn't help either. It really would be much smarter for you to get along with your teacher in the first place because, as it is, it ruins at least a part of your day and even carries over into your relationships with other people.

Suppose that you have a quarrel with your mother just before you leave for school in the morning. What does that do to you? You may be angry; you may be hurt and crushed inside; or you may feel unhappy because you hurt her feelings. What did the quarrel net you? It probably netted you little more than unhappiness.

You may have gained a point. But how important was the point? Was it worth ruining your mother's morning and your own?

Maybe you had trouble with your sister. She wore your scarf just when you wanted it. You waged a good-sized battle with her.  Both of you were angry; both said some things that were upsetting. You left the house seething. Wearing that scarf or another scarf or no scarf at all was trivial compared with work¬ing yourself up into such a state.

When you are angry, you know, it affects you physically. People who quarrel at the table sometimes get indigestion. Fear and  anger stop the flow of the digestive juices. Anger actually makes you ready to fight; it makes your heart beat faster; it  sends the blood to your arms and legs so you will be ready to run or to hit.

You have that “let down” feeling after the  physical effects of anger have subsided because you have used up some of your stored-up energy. There is an emotional hangover, too, that may last for days.

It is amazing that people go right on quarreling, fighting, haggling, and making things unpleasant for one another when it is all so futile. Quarreling and bickering net little more than hard feelings. There is nothing gained by it.

If those who quarreled were to spend as much time trying to figure out how to make themselves and the others concerned happy—being kind, thoughtful, tactful, and the like—their lives would take on much more meaning.

Growing up emotionally

Some people never become emotionally mature. Their emo-tions are like those of a spoiled child. They fly into temper tantrums on the slightest provocation. They are like a very little child who has not yet learned any better way to get what he wants.

Nor has he learned, as everyone has to learn some-time or other, that he cannot always have what he wants. Even when he is tiny, there are others to be considered. At first, there is only his mother; then his father comes into the  scheme of things. Later, a baby brother or sister may take his mother's attention away from him.

This may be his first real  problem in growing up—taking this new situation in his stride. When he is three or four, he usually enters a world of other  children. At first, he merely plays beside them. Then he learns to play with them. When he begins school, he moves from his little world to the much larger world of thirty or more chil¬dren and the teacher.

By the time he reaches your age, his world has become still larger, full of many persons to understand and enjoy. At this stage he should have learned that it pays to give consideration to all those with whom he comes in con¬tact. This is a part of the growing-up process.

The value that he places on the importance of getting along with others de¬pends a great deal on how mature he is emotionally. Inability to get along comes from lack of emotional control, lack of poise, lack of consideration for others, or it may spring from a lack of security—a feeling that others disapprove of you.

The values of getting along

Let us consider the values of getting along with other people. There is much to be gained by possessing those qualities that will promote harmonious relations. The following are some of the gains you may expect from every effort you make for harmony.

1,            You will be happier. When you can get along with other people, you will be a happier person; you will be liked; you will feel more accepted; and you will have the fun that comes with the companionship of groups or individuals. It is sheer joy to fool, to talk, to work, to laugh, to play, and to be at ease with other people. It is a good feeling to know that they like to have you around and enjoy what you have to offer them.

2.            You will have more satisfactions. It is only through sharing experiences, ideas, thoughts, and material things that you can lead a really satisfying life. If you are unsuccessful with people, you are denied this experience of sharing. If people dislike you, what you have to offer may be rejected, even if it is good. You also miss out on what others have to offer you. Suppose that Mike, who irritates you because he picks at everything you do, has a big idea about fixing over an old car.

He  wants you to help him do it, sharing the expense and the work. You know that it will not be any fun doing it with Mike  because he will criticize you and complain about the parts that you work on. He will not be agreeable to many of your ideas.

Will you want to rebuild that old broken-down car with Mike? No. He is not the person you would choose. But suppose that Jerry, a most likable, easy-going chap, who gets along with everyone, asks you to work with him under the  same circumstances. You will probably take him up on it that very minute. It will be fun to do it with Jerry.

The same thing applies to you. If you are like Mike, you will miss out on a lot of fun and the satisfying experiences that go with sharing projects, ideas, and experiences. If you are like Jerry, you will be in on almost everything.

3.            You will be accepted. In order to get any of your ideas across to a group, in order to carry any influence, you must be accepted by the members of that group. Naturally, if you don't get along with them, you are not accepted by them.

If you are not accepted as a person, certainly your ideas will not be accepted. What you say will be ignored. It will be mighty hard on you to have your ideas turned down all the time. You should try never to let yourself get into that kind of situation.

Suppose that you have been appointed as chairman of some committee and that you are full of good ideas about what that committee should do and how the committee members should organize and operate.

If you do not know how to get along with those members, how much cooperation do you think you will get? You have to be able to get along with them in order to have them receptive to your ideas.

4.            You can enjoy your home. If you know how to get along with people, you should not have too much trouble figuring out ways to understand your family and to establish the good relations with them which can well be the basis for your security. When you live with people day in and day out, a multitudeof little conflicts may arise which try your patience.

That isto be expected. You are tremendously fortunate if you canmanage to keep a fairly harmonious relationship with yourfamily. The closer the ties and the better your relationshipswith the members of your family, the greater is your feeling ofsecurity.

A family is something to turn to, to fall back on, and to be proud of. If you get on well with your family, you can be sure that whenever you get into trouble, your “Rock of Gibraltar” is right there at home. You have heard some of your friends say,

“I can't go home to my family with this problem.” Some families really cannot be sympathetic with nor understand teen¬age problems. Many times, however, young people do not make the effort to get along with their families.

As you grow older, the bond between you and the members of your family grows stronger if your relationships are good. The fun and the unity that comes with that bond make it one of the finest experiences that anyone can have. It is an experi¬ence that lasts a lifetime too. Look around you.

Do some of your friends have that kind of relationship with their families? If so,  doesn't it look good enough to make you want to try for the same kind of thing? You can get it, if you go about it in the right way.

5.           You will be more successful on the job. Being successful on almost any job depends a great deal on good relations with people. You have to get along with your employer or you may get fired. You have to be able to take criticism, and you have to be willing to do your share of the work.

Your whole attitude toward your work and your willingness to put your best into it are important. So are your attitudes toward your employer and the manner in which you deal with him. You can't be very happy on a job unless you can get along with the others working with you.

Doing your share of the work is essential. So is the way in which you work with those around you on the same job. There must be harmony. You may have to put up with a lot from some of your fellow-workers, but if you want to stay on the job and if you want to be successful there, you will have to do it and be as pleasant as you can. You will never advance far if you can't get along with your fellow-workers.

It is just as important to have a happy relation with those who are working under you. The person who gets along well with people is the one who gets pushed on up to top positions.

A great many jobs call for dealing with the public. It is said that the public is always right. Of course the public isn't always right, but you will have to assume that it is or you won't occupy any selling job too long. Getting along with the public doesn't necessarily mean being a back-slapping kind of person, but it surely means being courteous, tactful, and  considerate.

If you can get along with your employer, your fellow-workers, those who are working in positions below yours, and the public,  you are a person who is likely to be successful and satisfied with any suitable kind of work.

Getting along with small or large groups of people and with individuals is all a part of successful living. Being successful  with your family, your friends, your neighbors, your relatives, your employer, and your co-workers adds up to a satisfying  life. You can't exist happily unless you enjoy at least a partial success in your efforts to do this.

Of course you can't expect to get along well with everyone. Some personalities just don't click or they don't click at all  times. You must expect some failures with some people.

You may not be able to get along well with everyone. Nobody does. But it is important to you and to the individuals and to the groups with whom you have contact to get along with as many people as possible.

Techniques for getting along

There is surely no question as to the value of getting along with other people. The point is to learn some of the techniques for doing this. If you have been able to develop, at least to some extent, the qualities described in section 2 and 3, you should stand a good chance o£ being effective with these techniques.

After all, what you do stems from what you are and how you feel toward people.You must realize, first of all, that everyone feels a need for approval and recognition, a need for belonging, a need for independence, and a need for security in his relationships with other people.

It is his striving to meet these emotional needs and the physical needs of food, clothing, shelter, rest, and activ¬ity that underlies a great deal of his behavior. His striving shapes many of his attitudes. Since everyone does have these needs, you will want to bear them in mind as you build your relationships with your associates.

The more you can do to help others feel approval, to feel that they belong, to feel that they are independent, to feel that they are important enough for your recognition and praise, and to feel confident that you are for them, the better your relationships with them will be.

They will respond to you favor¬ably. Let us see what you can do specifically to contribute to the fulfillment of each of their needs and thus help to improve your relationships with them.

1. Express your approval. The first need of people is for approval and recognition. You, yourself, want to be approved of as a person. You want to feel that you are the kind of per¬son who rates well. You want to feel that you are like other teenagers. You try to wear the kind of clothes they are all wearing.

You want to wear your hair more or less like the others. You want to do well in the activities that your friends engage in. You can be pretty sure that others your age want the same things.

Your cue is to show them your approval in the things in which they are most interested. Marian may have a new hairdo that is most attractive. Since she wants you to approve of it, don't be afraid to tell her how much you like it, if you really do.

Tell her just why you think it is so becoming, or how it gives her a striking appearance. It will make her happy, and she will feel friendly toward you because you have approved the result of her efforts to be more attractive.

Charlie is funny with his wisecracks. Don't be afraid to laugh at him. You might even tell him that his humor is tops. He will feel that he has your approval—at least in that field. Many times you think about how nice a new hairdo looks or how much fun it is to be with a person, but you fail to tell the per¬son about it.

The point is to let the other person know that you approve. When he knows that you do, he will be more likely to have a warm feeling toward you. There will be a warmer relationship between you.

Suppose that you are in a meeting and Joan proposes some project for the club. If you immediately voice your approval of her proposal, it will warm her heart toward you. Naturally she wants the group to be with her, and when you indicate that you, for one, are with her, she likes it.

You get along better with your family, too, when you show your approval of them. Suppose your mother has on a new dress. It is really important to her that you like it. It will please her if you let her know that you do.

Or, if she makes some nut bread that is simply wonderful, it will please her if you tell her how good it is. She will know that you like it just by watch¬ing you eat it, but it will mean a lot to her if you express your appreciation of her skill.

The same thing is true of your dad. He wants to be approved of. Tell him that you told Esther that he was the best painter in town and that Esther said she would have her dad get in touch with him.And you will make your little brother happy when you ask him if he would like to do something with you, like going to a show or walking down to the drugstore. You are indicating that you think he is O.K. Otherwise you would not have him along.

When you indicate this approval by being cordial to him, he is likely to respond in a pleasant way—for a little brother. If you are really consistent in this, you will build a good relationship with him. Even if he does annoy you occasionally, you will still get along well for the most part.

In expressing your approval, you must always be sincere. If you do not approve of something, do not say that you do. It is often wise, however, to say nothing rather than to shout your disapproval. Remember that disapproval begets disap-proval.

It is never wise to express disapproval unless it is really going to make a big difference to you, to the person himself, or to your group. Too many people have a habit of expressing their opinions about too many things in ways which net nothing but antagonism.

People have a need to be recognized, both as persons and for their accomplishments. What are some of the little things that you can do to give people recognition, to help them feel that they have a good standing, or status, in their group.

Perhaps the most obvious thing is to be alert to their abilities, accom¬plishments, appearance. Actually look for characteristics about them that are worthy of your praise, and say something com¬plimentary to them or to someone else in their presence.

They may act modest and self-conscious about it, but they will be pleased just the same. Again, you must be careful to be sincere. People know whether they are worthy of compliments. If you are not discriminating in the use of them, they will  think of you as an old “smoothie” and will discount all you say. Thus your efforts to build them up will be wasted.

Doris, who was Chairman of the Student Service Fund, was very good about giving recognition where it was due. She was walking along the hall one day with Grace when she met Chris. Instead of just saying “Hi,” and going on her own way, she stopped him and said, “Gee, Chris, that article in the school paper that you wrote about the Student Service Fund was ter¬rific! It gave the drive a wonderful push. We've had loads of response from it. Thanks a million!”

Now Chris was no “second Romeo,” and Doris wasn't mak¬ing a play for him. She was just taking the trouble to give Chris the recognition that he deserved. It made Chris feel im-portant and gave him a more friendly feeling toward Doris.

Their relationship in the future would stand a good chance of being solid. And, by the way, the lift that Doris gave Chris probably made Chris feel eager to give the Student Service Fund another big boost. When you feel friendly toward some¬one, you like to support him whenever you can.

Al always had a lot of fun playing tennis because his rela-tionship with his opponent was always so good. He made it a point to compliment his opponent on his most skillful shots and often poked fun at his own. Even if Al won, his opponent did not mind too much because Al had noticed his good plays. It was fun to play against Al.

Don got along well with a teacher about whom one girl had this to say: “So help me, that teacher is the worst I've ever had. I've never seen anyone who can be so picky and nasty to kids. I don't see hem anybody could ever get along with her.” It was true that many students could not get along with her.

WHEN YOU FEEL JEALOUS TOWARD A FRIEND

Find something you can do and learn to do it very well. Do things with your friend that you both enjoy.

Gain self-confidence by holding a part-time job.

Admire your friend for her achievements

Do things with your friend that you both enjoy.

The thing that helped Don to get along with this teacher was to stop at her desk for a minute after class one day. He said,  “Miss Ames, that illustration you gave us about land con¬servation was awfully interesting. Could you tell me where I could find some more material about it?” Don meant what he said.

He was not an apple-polisher. He was interested in land conservation, but he was nice enough to make his com¬ment more personal by referring to the teacher's illustration— not to what the book had said. He gave her some recognition. Had she received more recognition from more members of the class, she probably would not have been such a difficult person.

The greatest satisfaction that the average teacher gets from her work is the evidence of interest in the subject which her students express. You can imagine, then, what it means to a teacher to have her students tell her that she has made the subject so interesting that they want to pursue it further. What Don said meant a great deal to Miss Ames. Her attitude toward Don was more  friendly from then on.

One of the reasons Sissy had a good relationship with her dad was because she interested herself in his golf. Often, when they had company, Sissy would say, “See my ol' pop over there?

He shot an 82 today. Not so bad for an old man, huh?” She was half kidding and half serious. But she focused atten¬tion on her dad's accomplishment and gave him recognition for it. Of course he liked it!

There are different ways of giving recognition. We have just given illustrations of several ways. Humorous kidding is another means of focusing attention on someone. Kidding really is flattering, if it is well done.

It calls good-natured atten¬tion to one's accomplishments. It is an effective instrument for building good relations. Sissy used it effectively with her dad. You undoubtedly use it effectively every day. Try it as a means of giving recognition.

One other heart-warming method that you can use is that of writing little notes to, or phoning, people who have done some¬thing commendable. It is a very thoughtful thing to do, and it means a great deal to the recipient.

He feels a warm glow inside to think that his action was recognized and that you would take the trouble to write or call him. He can have nothing but a good feeling toward you, and you will be sur¬prised how much it will do for your relationship.

Make others feel wanted. Still another need which you can help people to meet is that of feeling that they belong. They want to feel that they really belong in a group, that they are a part of it. They want to feel that they are a part of a given activity that the group undertakes or one that even just a couple of you undertake.

How can you help them to feel that way?

Suppose you are on a committee. It doesn't matter whether or not you are chairman. Two members of the committee are so shy that they do not voice any opinions regarding the work of the committee. Their complete silence almost sets them apart from the others on the committee who are anxious to push their ideas through.

What can you do to make these two feel included?

You will not necessarily want to force them into expressing their opinions, because they might be too self-conscious.

But can't you suggest to the other members that these two carry out such and such a duty of the committee?

The two will probably be eager to take on an activity because this would enable them to feel that they were contributing their share to the group. They would have more of a feeling of belonging. They would appreciate your sharing the activity with them.

Jill was the kind of person who had to run everything her-self. When she was asked to head up a group to plan a party, she made all the plans herself and did most of the work. She did not invite others to help her plan or to help her with the work.

The party seemed like Jill's instead of the group's party. It was not nearly so much fun for all as if they had been included in the planning. The group thought of Jill as want¬ing to run everything.

Their relationships with her were not good. She wasn't a team player herself. She wasn't even a good captain, or we might say that she was a captain without a team.

Gordon, on the other hand, who was the president of his club, was the kind of fellow who was able to make everyone feel that the club was theirs, and he was quite willing to be governed by the will of the group.

He saw to it that everybody was pulled in on the planning and executing of all the activi¬ties. This club had a wonderful time in all its activities because all the members felt that they really belonged to the group.

One day a new member came into the club—a boy who had a way of belittling everything that people did. Because of this, he antagonized a great many. He went right on being that way about the club's activities and the people connected with them.

When his behavior came to Gordon's attention, Gordon took him aside and said, “Say, Walt, some of the club mem¬bers have been wanting to undertake a project of gathering up old magazines to send to the veterans' hospital in town.

What do you think about that?

We know it would take a lot of organization to cover the town. You have lived here longer than most of us and you know practically everybody. Would you be willing to help us organize the drive, and then head it up, if the club votes to undertake it?”

Walt threw his chest out and said, “Sure.” Gordon had made him feel that he would have a real part in this activity; so Walt did not belittle it. Neither did he belittle the other boys for having the idea.

His attitude manifested support and interest. Gordon was smart enough to get along with this person with whom so many others had had trouble. He was meeting one of Walt's needs—that of being accepted and of feeling that he was a part of the group. He made Walt feel important too.

Gordon continued with that technique, and Walt actually changed his attitude toward the others in the club. He was loyal to the club throughout his two years of membership.

Be understanding. Gordon understood people very well. Because of this, he was sympathetic and kindly in his dealings with them. He knew that when people behave badly there is usually a reason. Maybe they do not feel well.

Maybe their home situation is unhappy. Perhaps they are so completely dominated at home that it is necessary for them to be overly aggressive at school or in other situations. Possibly a brother or sister gets more attention than they, or maybe the brother or sister is much smarter. Maybe they have a strong inferiority complex which they are trying to cover up, and the way they are doing this is with obnoxious behavior.

Maybe there is too much pressure put on them at home. Possibly they feel that they aren't liked and aren't included in a group. They are fighting back. Maybe they do not feel approval and, as a result, are being defiant and arrogant. There are hundreds of reasons for acting badly.

Because Gordon understood these possible causes of behavior, he knew that it was important to give people a lift, help them gain status, build the feeling that they belong and are accepted.

Gordon got along with everyone. He had those qualities which make people likable and he had an understanding of people which helped him to work with others most effectively.

Gordon understood himself. He knew that he had faults, just like others. That is how he knew so well how they felt. Of course he behaved badly sometimes too. And his generous dealings with others did not keep him from standing up for the things he believed in.

It was just that he was kind and considerate in his relationships. You can be like Gordon if you make a conscious effort. It will be well worth your effort, because getting along with people is the key to your happiness.

Remember that when you get along with others, you belong. When you belong, you are a part of any group—whether it is your family, your club, your school, your church, your com¬munity, your state, your nation, or the world. Give to each group everything you can to improve relations and good feel¬ing. Your contribution is important, and their contribution to you is important.

It is a mutual give-and-take. It is of mutual benefit to everyone concerned. Learning to live happily with others enables them to reap those benefits which come from human understanding and from the efforts of all to make this world a better place.

How Do You Rate in Relations with Others?

Write the numbers from 1 to 14 on a separate piece of paper. Read each statement below and answer it frankly with (always, most of the time, occasionally, or never).

1.            I get along with most of my teachers.

2.            I avoid quarreling with my parents.

3.            I avoid quarreling with my sister or brother.

4.            I hold on to my temper when I don't get my way.

5.            I avoid being critical of my friends and acquaintances.

6.            People seem to enjoy doing things with me.

7.            I feel accepted in at least one group or club.

8.            The club or group members take my ideas and use them.

9.            When I do things with my family, we have a good time.

10.          When I work, I find that I get along nicely with my employer.

11.          When I work, I get along with my fellow-workers.

Ì2.     I give recognition where it is due.

13.          I am aware of the fact that people behave the way they do because of underlying reasons.

14.          I am willing to give the other fellow the benefit of the doubt.

When you are through, count the number of each of the four kinds of answers that you have. Give yourself 3 points for always, 2 for most of the time, 1 for occasionally, and 0 for never. The highest possible score is 42.

If you rate over 20, you have made splendid progress in good social relations. If you rate under 20, you have plenty of room for improvement. It is the direction in which you are moving that is important.

To check your progress, answer these same questions again in three or four months, before looking at your first rating. Then compare your score with the score you made the first time to see how much progress you have made.

You Can Learn to Say the Right Thing

It is amazing how much your life and the lives of those around you are affected by what you say and how you say it. Every¬thing you say affects your listeners in some way, and their response to what you say certainly affects you. It is wise to con¬trol your tongue.

Sometimes it isn't the things you say but the way you say them that does the most good or the most damage. It is the way you word your statements and your manner of presenting them. It is  knowing when it is good taste to talk about certain things and when it is not.

Learn to consider others

Developing sensitivity to other people, of course, is the best means of learning to say the right things in the right way at the right time. If you can feel what the other person is feeling, if you can judge, at least to some extent, what kind of person he is and how he is likely to respond, it will help you tremen¬dously.

Putting yourself in the other person's place gives you some idea of what to say. Remember, though, that some people may be more easily hurt than you. They may be particularly sensitive about cer-tain things that you would not think about twice. Try to detect that, if you can. It will not be too difficult with your own friends and family, whom you know so well.

You will have to be doubly alert with those whom you do not know so well. In order to develop your sensitivity to another person, you will want to listen carefully to what he is saying. Try to understand how he is feeling. Show that you understand.

Suppose that Bob and Ray and Pete have just received their report cards. Bob and Ray have all A's and B's, but Pete has low grades. Bob and Ray know that Pete is not a good student, but they know that he has so many fine qualities that his grades do not matter, so far as they are concerned.

If they are sensi¬tive to Pete, they will know that, inasmuch as he is in their crowd, he is naturally very much aware of the fact that he has not done as well as they have in school. They will have enough sense not to mention their report cards in his presence.

They will try not to make him feel inferior. If Pete asks them about their grades, they will treat the matter lightly. Suppose you heard Allen say that his dad makes $500 a month. You might be impressed with that amount if your dad makes only $200.

But if you are sensitive to your dad's feelings, you will never mention the matter to him. He is keeping you clothed and fed—which in these days is a great accomplishment. You would not want to make him feel bad by compar¬ing him to someone else's dad. Your dad, after all, may be making less money through no fault of his own.

Learn when to keep still

As you make it a point to be alert to others' feelings, you will learn what subjects to avoid in conversation, when to keep still, and when to give people your support. Knowing when to keep still is one of the most important things that anyone has to learn. This knowledge comes from sensitivity to people.

We have said that it is wise to avoid subjects that may embarrass or hurt others. It is also wise to remain quiet on some subjects —mainly those on which you might be critical of something a person has done.

Ethel wanted a big juicy steak for dinner. She was disap-pointed when her mother bought ham instead. She made some really mean remarks, which almost brought her mother to tears. Because her mother was hurt, she lashed back at Ethel. That led to a bitter quarrel and a still poorer mother-daughter relationship.

What good did it do Ethel to criticize her mother for the meat she bought? It was done. It could not be undone. Had she kept quiet, she would have avoided a quarrel and hurt feel¬ings.

She might have said, later on in the evening, “Mom, when you go shopping tomorrow, wear blinders so you won't come home with a bargain in bologna. I'm still drooling for a steak, even if  that ham was good.” Surely this would have been a better way.

Suppose you have told a person something in confidence. He didn't realize that it was confidential, or he forgot that it was, and made the mistake of telling someone else about it.

Will it do you any good to raise a big fuss?

No. You might as well keep still. The damage is done. You may want to do what you can to offset the results. You will want to make sure next time that your friend realizes that what you tell him is confidential.

Maybe you will not want to confide in him. But there isn't any use making him feel dreadful because of this mistake. He did not mean to let you down. Even if he did mean to, making a scene with him would not get your secret back.

The trick is to look at such situations in a new light. Instead of seeing a certain situation as a time to get angry and give the other person a piece of your mind, you see it as a time to keep still and not make matters worse. Because you see the situation differently, you act differently.

It will pay you to think about some of the occasions that cause you trouble and make you unhappy. Whenever you can avoid emotional up-heavals, embarrassing situations, and hurt feelings, hold your tongue.

Harsh words over something that is done—something that cannot be remedied—should be kept far below your vocal chords. There are many other situations in which you should remain quiet. One is when you are in a group and one of your friends is telling a tale about something in an exaggerated manner.

You know that the facts are being somewhat garbled. If the story is not going to affect anybody one way or another, it is ever so much better just to let your friend enjoy telling his “tall” tale. Don't embarrass or belittle him by correcting him before the group.

If you catch his eye, you might raise an eye¬brow and give him a wise grin, but don't dig the ground out from under him in front of everybody. Another situation when you had best be rather quiet is when someone comes to you to pour out his troubles.

Let him do the talking. Just put in a kind or sympathetic word here and there. His very talking will help him to feel better and, until he gets his trouble pretty well out of his system, he isn't going to be ready for your advice. He isn't likely to take your advice anyway.

He may be able to solve his own problem just by talk¬ing it out while you act the part of a sympathetic listener.

WHEN IS IT IMPORTANT TO KEEP STILL?

When a remark may embarrass another—particularly about things that are personal.

When you are tempted to repeat something you have been told in confidence.

When someone annoys you without meaning to do so.

When friends want to pour out their troubles to you.

Watch your manner and approach

As you gain a sensitivity to people and learn what subjects to avoid, when to be quiet, and when to give your support, you will become aware of the importance of using the most effective approach and the most pleasing manner with others.

Surely you have heard someone get across to another a rather delicate piece of information or advice without causing resentment or hurt feelings. And you have probably heard someone else, in a different way, try to convey something equally delicate, only to end by upsetting his listener completely.

What did the first person do that was different from the second?

He probably did several important things.

First, he established good relations by chatting about things which were interesting to both of them. Then, he probably told the person something nice that assured him he was ac¬cepted and approved. When he moved into the delicate matter, he was very gentle and very kind.

He made as little of it as possible, suggesting briefly what seemed to be the best thing to do about it and assuring the other that he wanted to help. The person whom he was trying to help felt his support and was not led to believe that the matter was something to lose sleep about.

Maryanne was very skillful at this sort of thing. One day a couple of her friends came to her and said, “Maryanne, some¬body is going to have to tell Midge to quit throwing herself at Harry.

She is making a perfect fool of herself. Everybody is talking about it.” Since Midge was one of Maryanne's very good friends, she decided that she would try to help Midge somehow, though she surely did not relish the job. She made a point of finding Midge that afternoon after school.

“Hi, Midge,” she said. “Do you feel as much like a choco-late soda as I do?”

”I don't know. What does a chocolate soda feel like?” answered Midge.

“How about it?”

“Is it going to be on your uncle? I've already drawn on next week's allowance.”

“I've been saving my pennies every night just so I could treat you. Come on.”

When they reached the soda fountain and had ordered their sodas, Maryanne looked at Midge seriously and said, “They tell me that you got the club to send flowers to Miss West. That was a nice idea. Wish I could think of nice things to do for people.

That really was swell of you, Midge.”

”Aw, I just happened to like Miss West.”

”I understand you kind of like Harry, too. Been sending him flowers, too?”

“Mmmmmmmmm . . . now there's a man!”

“Like him, huh?”

“Oh, Maryanne, he's got me. I can't get him out of my mind.”

“Does he know how you feel?”

“Mm, well, I guess he knows I like him pretty much. I wish I knew whether or not he likes me.”

“Can't you tell?”

“Well, he asked me for two dates but that was two weeks ago. I'm just a little worried.”

“Maybe he's the pursuer type. Some of those big he-men are. Maybe you're taking all the fun out of the chase by being too handy.”

”I wonder.”

“Well, the story books say that part of a woman's charm is her ability to appear to be hard-to-get. Could be that there's something to that. I've seen a lot of cute gals lose their men by being eager beavers. Maybe if Harry is too much aware of the fact that you think he's such-a-much, he isn't really appre¬ciating you as he should. Goodness, you have everything.

That man ought to be standing on his head for you . . . why don't you play elusive for a while and see what happens? I'll bet you a duplicate of this soda that you'll notice the difference within a week's time.”

“O.K., if you think it will work. If it does work, my pet, I shall buy you the whole soda fountain.”

Maryanne was skillful here, wasn't she? She did not even let on that anyone had said Midge was throwing herself at Harry. She just took the approach of helping her choose the right technique.

It cost her a soda to set a chummy stage, but even the soda wasn't really necessary. She made Midge feel good, too, by giving her recognition for doing a kind thing for Miss West. She convinced Midge that it was best to give Harry a run for his money.

Midge will not be throwing herself at Harry now. Maryanne got her point across without offending, embarrassing, or an¬tagonizing Midge. Wasn't this a better way of handling the situation than bluntly saying, “Midge, the kids are all talking about the way you are throwing yourself at Harry. Of course, I don't think anything about it, but you know how they are.”

Can't you just see the fuzz rising on the back of Midge's neck? She would feel antagonistic toward the others, she would resent Maryanne, and she probably would go right ahead pur¬suing Harry in an obvious and unattractive manner just to show them.

Easing into delicate situations, then, with a gentle and sym-pathetic attitude will make you a much more effective person and will enable you to help others ever so much more. It will take practice, perhaps, but it will be worth it to you.

This same gentle, courteous approach will always be worth your while, even in situations that are not so delicate. The rude, aggressive approach usually sets up resistance in the other per-son, so that it isn't effective at all. You might try out both ways and see what happens.

Suppose you want to get permission from your vice-principal to leave the school grounds to get some medicine for your father and you stride into his office and say rather loudly, “Say, I have to go downtown to get some medicine for my old man.

Give me a pass, will you?” Can't you just see the look on the vice-principal's face? Wouldn't it be more effective to say, very quietly, “My father hasn't been very well, and he asked me to get him some medicine downtown. May I go now? I have a free period.”

It is possible that the vice-principal would turn you down in either case because of some school regulation, but think of the difference in the impression you have left on him. Your future relations with him are very likely to be affected by this one incident.

Let your voice count

Your voice and your way of speaking have a lot to do with the way you affect people. A good voice adds weight to what you have to say. It can soothe troubled waters. It can be per¬suasive. It is your voice that carries what you say to other people's ears. Some people are very lucky.

They naturally have voices that are easy to listen to and that carry a great deal of weight, whether or not they are saying much of importance. Others have weak voices that one must strain to hear, raspy voices that grate on others' ears, high-pitched voices that cut like a knife, breathy voices that exasperate people.

Then there are those who have nice, pleasant voices that no one thinks much about one way or another. Because your voice plays such an important part in the way you affect people, perhaps you should listen to yourself and try to decide whether or not you like it and whether or not you should do something about it.

You would find it interesting to make a recording of your voice so that you could really know how it sounds to others. You will swear that it is not your own voice that you hear played back to you. You may like it and you may not.

Florence had a voice that was very high-pitched. She also talked too fast. She had not realized it until her speech teacher called it to her attention. As a matter of fact, she didn't believe her teacher until the teacher made a recording of her voice.

Florence was amazed. She was even a little embarrassed. Her teacher just laughed and told her that if she were really interested, she could improve her voice. Florence followed directions faithfully. It took constant awareness and constant practice, but she succeeded in lower-ing her voice and in slowing down her speech.

All her friends noticed it and commented on it. She felt that it had been worth all her trouble, and she was proud that she had stuck to her improvement campaign. You can do what Florence did. Even if your school doesn't have a recording machine, you can get your voice recorded at one of the record stores in your town.

Or, perhaps a friend of yours has a machine and would do it for you. If you do not care for what you hear when your voice is played back to you, go in and talk the matter over with your speech teacher or your English teacher. You can be quite sure of getting some good suggestions which will help you to develop a more attractive voice.

Give care to your speech

Your speech, of course, is just as important as your voice. It is an important part of your whole self. Your voice and how you use it, what you say and how you say it, all contribute to the general impression that you make.

You may be handsome or pretty, have a good figure, wear good-looking clothes, have lots of vitality, and possess many other assets; but you can lessen the effect of all these just by speaking poorly or sloppily.

You will want to be sure to do all you can to speak well. It is possible to improve your speech, even if you cannot master the rules of grammar. Many people are never able to learn “grammar” as such, but they do learn to speak well. It is`just as easy to pick up good speech habits as it is to acquire poor ones.

You don't find it difficult to pick up slang expressions from your friends. You hear slang and you repeat it. You can hear good English and repeat it, too, if you are interested. If you hear several people say, “He does not dance well,” wouldn't you find it just as easy to say that instead of “He don't dance good” ? It is mostly a matter of hearing it and practicing it.

Ralph came from a family in which very poor English had always been spoken. His parents were fine people, but they had never had a chance for much education. Consequently, Ralph had picked up some poor habits of speech.

When he reached high school, he realized that he would be very much handicapped if he did not learn to speak well. He struggled with grammar rules, but he mastered only a few of them. Finally he went in desperation to his English teacher and asked for help.

The teacher said, “Well, Ralph, it is true that you do not seem to understand grammar, but perhaps some other method will help you to speak correctly.

Why not make it a point to spend some time with Floyd Jenkins?

He speaks excellent English, and he is a regular sort of person too. You would enjoy him, and by talking to him and listening to his expres¬sions you could pick up good English usage. After you get to know him well, you might tell him that you would like to have him correct you when you make an error—that is, if you are sure it will not embarrass you.

“If you have the time to read, I will recommend some books to you which are well written. I promise to choose interesting ones. Reading helps a great deal, if the material that you read is worth while.

Then, Ralph, you must try to practice using the expressions that you hear Floyd use. That, coupled with your reading, is going to help you to be conscious of the correct usage of English. It will take you quite a while, but if you are really interested in improving your speech, you will work hard at it and you will be successful.”

The English teacher was right. Ralph did just what he had suggested. He and Floyd became good friends, and, after a little while, Ralph asked him for help in his speech. Floyd, who had a keen sense of humor, helped him in a way that made it fun for both of them. Ralph read the books that the teacher suggested.

After a year, he knew that he was over the The art of conversationhump. Of course he still made mistakes, but he spoke so much better that even his teacher was amazed. The teacher confessed to Ralph that he hadn't expected him to improve so fast.

Ralph proved that it could be done, and it wasn't such a pain¬ful process either. Perhaps you could use the same methods that  Ralph did, if you feel a need to improve your speech. Remember that your speech is a vital part of your personality and a great item in your success.

Learn to talk to others

In conversation, you use your voice, your speech, your manner and approach, and your whole personality to the best advantage. It is in your conversation that you reveal whether or not you can get along with others, whether you can be successful, whether you can put to work all those qualities we have men¬tioned as contributing toward a good personality.

Conversation is a real art.

Ordinarily, boys don't have much trouble talking to other boys. Girls don't have much trouble talking to other girls. But very often boys and girls have trouble talking to each other. And they often have trouble talking to older people.

If you are worrying about what to talk about when you are dating, you may be relieved to know that both the fellow and the girl usually feel that it is their responsibility to keep the conversation going.

If you are uncomfortable because you cannot think of anything to say, remember that the other person is trying to think of something too. That does not remedy the difficulty, but at least you can feel that you do not have to carry the whole burden.

Catherine found it very difficult to talk to boys. Her sister, who was two years older, dated often and managed to get along with boys easily. Catherine finally decided to ask her how she did it.“Sis, what in the world do you find to talk about with Ham and Dick and those other fellows you go out with? I can't ever think of anything to say.”

“Oh, I don't know. When I first knew them, I used to try to figure out something that we knew about in common, like a football game, an inter-class contest of some sort, an all-school day, a tough English test, a teacher that everybody liked, or the hamburger-stand activities.

“Then, when we got talked out on school activities, we talked about shows—whether they were good or bad, what we liked or didn't like about them, who our favorite players were and why.

“Sometimes that led into the subject of orchestras and or-chestra leaders and their recordings. If I had heard a good band recently, I went on and on about that—what the music was like and all about the soloist.

“Then, there were always the radio and TV programs. Which ones did we like? Which ones did we always listen to, etc. “Of course, we aired our political views too. If we didn't see eye to eye it was fun.

“Sometimes we talked about our families. I told about Dad's experience with the big fish. And I talked about your big crush on Danny and . . .”

“Oh, Sis, you didn't!”

“Well, maybe I just talked about what a cute sister you are.

I don't quite remember what I said about you. Anyhow, there are lots of things to talk about.”

Catherine received a great deal of help from her sister. She found it much easier to talk to her boy friend the next time she went out. Maybe the ideas that Catherine's sister gave to her will help you out, if you need help.

You should not have much difficulty talking to adults, be-cause adults will usually take the lead in the conversation. You can always comment on what they have to say and add to it if you can think of something. If you really want to talk and feel a need to add something new to the conversation, read two or three articles in a recent magazine and discuss them.

You can be pretty sure that adults will be interested in what you do at school. You see, most adults have been to school and you will be talking about something which is familiar to them.

Thinking of things to talk about is only a part of the art of carrying on a conversation. You should always be aware of the other person present and remember that it is important to talk about things that are of interest to him.

Ask questions about what he is doing, how his work is going, what his plans are for the near future. If he begins to talk about some of the things he likes to do, ask questions which will indicate that you are interested.

People will like you if they feel that you have a real interest in their activities. This friendly feeling will make it much easier for them to talk. Your courteous questions and remarks will indicate that you are interested.

They will also indicate that you are up on your toes in a conversation. If you feel that you cannot carry the major load of a conversation yourself,ask a few leading questions, radiate interest, and you will find that you can spend most of your time listening.

Put yourself in the other person's place. Suppose that you are interested in playing basketball. The person with whom you are talking asks you what position you play. You answer. Then he wants to know what other schools are in your league.

You begin to expand a little. Who is your coach?

How successful was the team last year? Where do you play next? What are your chances for winning?

Can't you just hear yourself blos¬soming under all this interest?

Automatically, you find yourself liking this other person. You have something in common. You try that technique and see what happens. The response you get will help give you the confidence you need to carry on the rest of the conversation. Don't feel that you need to be exceedingly clever or to make smart remarks.

You don't even need to be funny. It is fine, of course, if you can be clever and it is fine if you can be amusing, but neither of these two can begin to be as important as your ability to be interesting and interested. Interest in the other person is your key to successful conversation.

How Do You Rate in the Art of Conversation?

Write the numbers from 1 to 14 on a separate piece of paper. Read each question below and answer it frankly “yes” or “no.” If you are in doubt, put a question mark.

1.            Do you usually know how your best friend will respond to certain things you say or do?

2.            Do you usually know how your parents will respond to certain things you say or do?

3.            Can you put yourself in the other person's place?

4.            When you make a good grade in a subject, do you avoid mentioning it in the presence of someone who has made a poor grade in that subject?

5.            Do you avoid belittling your father about the amount of money that he earns?

6.            Do you try to make members of your family feel that you like them and are proud of them?

7.            When someone has said or done something which you don't like but which cannot be undone, do you try not to criticize him for it?

8.            If you have to tell someone something uncomplimentary, do you try to give him a build-up on some of his good points first and let him know how much you like him?

9.            Have you checked with your speech teacher or your English teacher to see if you need to make your voice more pleasant?

10.          Do you usually speak correctly?

11.          Do you have some keen interests that people like to hear about?

12.          Do you try to include good literature on your reading list?

13.          Are you able to listen at least half of the time when you are in a conversation?

14.          Do you always try to be interested in what the other person is saying?

When you are through, count your “yeses.” The number of “yeses” is your score. The highest possible score is 14. If you rate more than 7, it means that you are understanding and considerate of others and that you are an interesting person yourself.

If you rate under 7, you have plenty of room for improvement. It is the direction in which you are moving that is important. To check your progress, answer these same questions again in three or four months, before looking at your first rating. Then compare your score with the score you made the first time to see how much progress you have made.

You Can Win More Freedom

Undoubtedly you have often complained, “Here I am in my teens and my parents still treat me like a child. They won't even let me talk things over with them.” This is one of the normal problems of growing up.

You are probably finding that you need more skill and know-how every year to do a good job at the business of growing up. In some ways this may be a critical period for you. You are at a point where most of the time you want to be treated as an adult.

Still, you sometimes feel the need for your parents' help and are sometimes uncertain as to whether you have made wise choices. There are times when you want to lapse into childhood. Every teen¬ager feels this way in this “between period” of life.

So you want your independence

You have reached a stage in which one of the things most important to you is your independence—a desire to be recog¬nized as grown up. It irks you to be introduced as the “baby of the family” or to have your baby pictures brought out and shown to your friends. You don't see why you have to ask per¬mission for everything you do. You can't understand why you.

You can earn it

There is no question that this is difficult for you, but it is quite possible to meet the problem and to solve it. First, you need to be mature enough in your thinking to realize that adults have a reason for keeping an eye on you. They see  so many things going on that they are apprehensive about you.

Second, you need to realize and accept the fact that unless you earn your independence and take responsibility, you can't expect to have the freedom you want.

What you will have to work out is a series of ideas and actual activities which will prove to your family that you can really handle situations wisely and dependably. You can't just ask for something without being willing to show that you are worthy

of it. It isn't a matter of just saying to them, “Well, gee, don't you trust me? Try me out. Give me a chance.” It is far better planning to meet them halfway. Show them that you can take responsibility. Show them what you can do. Try coming in a little earlier than the limit they set.

Wash the car or clean the house when there is no one but you at home. But don't tackle anything that you are not fairly sure of having success in or you will defeat yourself before you even get started. Convince them that you are a good person to have around and that there are a lot of things you can do.

Eddie was in a difficult spot with his friends because he wasn't allowed to do anything with them on week nights. His parents were determined that he study every night in order to make college entrance grades.

They thought that he could have his fun on the week ends. It was true that Eddie's grades were not too good and he did need to study, but some of the other fellows were in the same boat and they went out on school nights. It made him resent all the time that he put in on his studies because the fellows were beginning to think he was a “grind.”

He was getting so he didn't even like school. This was bad—and he knew it—because he had really figured on going to college. He decided to go in to talk the situation over with his counselor.

The counselor recognized the importance of Eddie's need to be accepted by his friends, but he also knew that Eddie would have to get his work done before his parents would permit him to do the things he wanted to do.

He suggested to Eddie that he keep an accurate record of the way he spent his time hour by hour over a period of a week. Eddie did this and brought the record to the counselor. Both of them were surprised to find how much time Eddie frittered away in activi¬ties of no consequence.

When they added up the wasted time, they got a total for each day of an hour and fifty minutes. That was almost as much time as Eddie spent in studying every night!

Eddie then planned to do some studying during the day, which would greatly reduce the time that he had been putting in at night. It was a little hard for him at first, but he figured it would be worth it if he could have some free time at night to do some of the things he wanted to do.

He gave his time budget a real try. It worked! He managed to get most of his work done during the day, he learned more efficient reading and study habits, and his grades were better than they had ever been.

He persuaded his parents that all was in order. His grades would not suffer if he went out occasionally during the week. He had earned his free time, and it was granted to him. He was ever so much happier.

He realized that if he had not had a constructive attitude toward his problem, he could have ruined his whole future. He might have fought with his parents over it, let down in his schoolwork because he disliked it so much, and not made his grades to go on to college.

Eddie's predicament is not an uncommon one. He had two desires—one to go on to college and one to be as independent as the other fellows. Somehow he was not managing to do both.

The thing he did that was important to his whole future was to go to someone who could help him to see the problem clearly. With the help of this person he managed to earn his independence and also to keep his grades high enough to enter college.

Be smart in your planning

Susan, like many others her age, was faced with a similar prob¬lem of growing up. She handled it in quite a different way from Eddie's method. Her parents wouldn't let her go out at night unless there was an adult along. It seemed to her that all the other girls her age were always going out alone.

She didn't see why her folks wouldn't allow her this freedom. She realized that her parents wanted to protect her and all that, but even so she was upset about it. She decided that she would have to figure out some kind of plan to persuade her parents to trust the friends she ran around with—and particularly the boy she liked.

After some thought, she came up with the idea that she would give her parents a chance to know her friends better so they could see for them¬selves. She would see to it that her friends were around more.

She got permission from her parents to have three couples and the boy she liked over for a dinner party. She planned the party carefully. She wanted her friends to have fun, and she was eager to have her parents be well impressed by them.

The group listened to records, danced, and had fun most of the evening. The party was a success. It was a little noisy but not boisterous. Her friends were courteous to her parents, and it was obvious that her mother and father were favorably impressed.

The next week her boy friend came over. They did not go out. They just fooled around the house and had fun. Her parents seemed to like her boy friend and mentioned the next day how glad they were to meet him.

In the following week she had three or four of her friends over again. Toward the end of that evening, she rather timidlyasked her parents if she could take her friends down to the corner for a hamburger. They said “Yes” and didn't even think about going along. Susan was delighted because she felt that she had really made progress. She was right!

Later that week she asked if she might go to the dance with the boy friend her parents had met, and she was given permission.Susan was smart enough to know that she had to sell her family on her friends, to make them feel that she was quite safe with them, and to have them realize that they could all be trusted to behave in an acceptable way.

She worked hard to earn her independence, and she worked hard to keep it because it was worth a lot to her.

Try to understand

It is natural that you find it difficult to talk over many things with your parents and that you want to do many things without consulting them. That is all part of growing up. You want to be on your own and you don't want to consult any adult about everything that you do.

Certainly it is not necessary to talk over every single little thing, but there are some things that you do and think about which are of vital interest to your parents—things which affect your welfare.

Those are the  things that they need to know about so that they won't lie awake nights worrying about you. Moreover, your parents can at times be helpful to you in working out a problem.

It is natural for your parents to want to know where you are going at night. It is natural for them to want to know how you are getting along in school. It is natural for them to want to know the friends with whom you pal around.

All of these things have to do with your welfare. Your parents have been responsible for your welfare for a long time, and it is difficult for them if you suddenly seem to resent sharing your thoughts and experiences with them.

You have probably had an experience with your parents similar to the one Tony had. For a long time he had depended on his mother to help him decide what clothes to buy. Sud¬denly he decided that he was old enough to choose his own clothes, and he didn't feel that he needed advice from anybody.

So one day he went out and bought some clothes. His mother was most surprised and a little hurt—just a little. She asked Tony why he hadn't asked her to go along to help him. “Well, it's about time I do some of those things myself, isn't it?” he said rather gruffly.

“You might have told me what you were going to do. I really don't think you needed to buy two new shirts right now. You have several already.”

“I ought to know how many shirts I need,” he replied crossly.

There was tension in the air. Tony felt that she should have left him alone. She was hurt because of this sudden snub from her “pride and joy.” Because of this small incident, Tony was a little resentful. More or less unintentionally he did other annoying things that he might not otherwise have done.

His mother, noticing that she was being left out of things more and more, began taking even more interest in Tony's affairs. She felt that she had to “look into” things a little more. The situation grew worse. It wasn't critical, but there was a feeling of tension, a feeling of growing apart.

Had Tony eased gradually into his program of independence instead of suddenly just flying off and doing something com¬pletely different from what he had always done, he might not have had to go through that period of difficulty with his mother.

If he had said to her, “Don't you think it's about time for me to pick out my own clothes? Other fellows do. I feel kind of like a sissy not being able to do it by myself,” she might have seen his problem. If his mother had been  understanding, she would have agreed to what he wanted.

Parents feel uncertain, just as you do. They want you to grow up and become a responsible person but, at the same time, they do not want their children to grow away from them. Mothers, especially, are likely to feel they are no longer needed.

If you will just sit down and think about it a few minutes, you will realize that it isn't the easiest thing in the world to raise children—particularly when they reach the stage where they want to be independent. It is hard to know how much leeway to give children.

How much would you give your children under the same circumstances? As you put yourself in the place of your parents, you may feel a little more kindly toward, and understanding of, them.

Get at the roots of it

Susan had figured out that her parents would not let her go out alone because they were not sure about her friends, so she attacked her problem from that angle. If your parents are not giving you all the liberty you want, you will be wise to determine the cause.

Were they brought up by strict parents them¬selves?

Are they afraid that something will happen to you if you go out alone?

Are they worried that you will not get all your studying done?

Have you ever done anything that would lead them to think that you are not ready to handle freedom with responsibility?

Are there any other reasons behind your parents' restrictions? Perhaps it has not occurred to you that one of the most difficult things for parents to do is to let go of you—to let you grow up. Once they let you be on your own, they know that you no longer need their protection so much.

Giving you pro¬tection—a place to live, food to eat, and clothes to wear—gives them a real purpose in life. They feel useful.  When they have to let go of even part of their responsibility, it is really very hard on them. You have to understand that.

This reluctance to let go is sometimes the reason why they seem to hang on to you—why they worry over you. You are exceedingly important to them and a tremendous part of their lives. If you can understand that, you will help to spare their feelings and also contribute toward your own independence.

No one would advocate that you be too dependent on any-one. It is essential to your happiness and to your welfare that you become independent in much of your thinking and doing.

Dr. William Menninger, an eminent psychiatrist, has mentioned the satisfaction in being “self-reliant, resourceful, and independent.” On the other hand, he points out that “Everyone is dependent on other people to some degree—for love, for care, for recognition, for approval. That dependency is essential.

Sometimes it can be excessive . . .”* It is important, then, to find a happy balance in this quest for independence. You will want to be dependent on your parents and on your friends for many things, but there are still other things for which you will rely on yourself. That is all a part of growing up.

What to do

The most important thing for you to do is to let your parents know that they are important to you. Ask them for advice about things.

Do they think you ought to send Peg a corsage?

Should you wear your tweed or your dark suit?

Should you take French or Spanish?

Get their opinions on matters that are of concern to you. It will not hurt you to let them know that you respect their judgment. Adults are dependent on the opin¬ions of other adults—and rightfully so. People forty and fifty years old need and ask for advice.

If you take your parents into your confidence about a few things, you will ease their fears about “losing” you, about no longer feeling needed. You will also build good relations with them which will strengthen their faith in you.

They will have the feeling that they know pretty well what you are thinking and how you are thinking. They will not fear for you so much, and, at the same time, they will still have a feeling of protection for you.

If you can get them to feel that way while you are busy proving to them that you can take good care of yourself and are able to carry responsibility, they will probably become more lenient with you.

Having worked so hard to relieve your parents of that under¬lying concern about “losing” you and your dependence on them, you will want to determine the more specific thing that is keeping them from giving you all the liberty that you want. The specific thing in Eddie's case was his parents' determina¬tion to have him study and make good grades.

The specific thing in Susan's case was her parents' feeling that they did not know her friends well enough to turn her loose with them. Susan and Eddie figured out those specific causes and did some¬thing about them. You can do that too.

It may take time to gain your independence. You may fail for a while, but don't give up. Remember that much of your success will depend on your keeping a good relationship with your family and on your willingness to earn their confidence in you. If your family fails to understand and refuses to go half¬way, at least you have tried and have nothing to feel guilty about.

Convince your friends

Suppose you have convinced your parents that you are grow¬ing up and that you are ready to be on your own a little more, but you are not sure that your own friends and teachers under¬stand this.

Are there any ways in which you can convince them?

Yes, there surely are. Perhaps, first, it would be well to caution you about some things not to do.

The don'ts

Carl was asked what he thought were some signs of imma-turity. He said that he thought losing one's temper was one sign that a person had not grown up yet. He said, “If you get very angry at someone, you should work it off in sports or some other sensible way.

When you lose control, you are sure to look silly. I remember how stupid Dan looked when the teacher bawled him out the other day. He slammed his books down on the desk and glared at the teacher like a sixth-grader might. I was ashamed of him.”

Carl made a good point there. You cannot help getting angry sometimes, but it is important to behave well when you are angry if you expect to convince anyone that you are mature. Arguing a point or sticking up for your rights are mature ways of acting if they are reasonable and appropriate.

Another boy said, “I have seen some girls act like spoiled brats when they did not get their way about something. They say they aren't going to speak to me and stuff like that. I have a little sister eight years old who does that kind of thing. It surely disgusts me to see high school girls do it. Furthermore, I think they are poor sports when they act that way.”

Betty had this to say about boys, “These boys who are always pestering me make me sick. They pull my ribbons off, trip me, take my purse and run with it, and things like that all the time. I don't know why they don't grow up. The older fel¬lows don't do dumb things like that.”

Liz, the most popular girl in her class, said, “I get so fed up with the kids who try to show off all the time. They try to act big and when they do they become “smaller fry” than ever. They talk big. They try to impress you with how much they can drink and things like that. It's positively revolting.”

These are all rather frank opinions about immature behavior —expressed by people your age. It may help you to be aware of the ideas other fellows and girls have about these things, so that you can avoid acting that way.

Probably your teachers would be convinced that you were gaining some maturity if you indicated that you could handle responsibility and if you could assure them that you were not likely to take advantage of any liberties they might grant you.

If the teacher should let you off for a period to work on decora¬tions for a party, don't take off the next period, too, and come back with a silly excuse, or don't pass up the decoration project completely and go over to the hamburger stand in the next block. Just as soon as you indicate that you cannot handle responsibility, you label yourself as immature.

These are only a few of the actions you will want to avoid in order to give the impression that you are no longer a child, that you do know what you are about, and that people had better realize that fact.

The do's

What are some specific things that you can do to assure every¬one that you are no longer Joe, but Mister Joe? In answer to this question, Herb says, “People who are understanding of other people always impress me as being mature. If you weren't getting grown up, you wouldn't know enough about people to understand them.”

Herb made a good point. Being kind and understanding, helping people when they need it, giving them support, building them up—all are signs of maturity. Perhaps it is a matter of being less self-centered. Getting your mind on someone besides yourself has great value because it puts you more at ease and gives you more poise.

Lavonne said, “I think of fellows as being more grown-up when they know how to treat a girl. I mean, when they know enough to take care of all the little courtesies and know how to meet social situations easily. I don't even like to go out with the ones who don't. It isn't that I don't like them particularly, but they just sort of seem young yet.”

Perhaps fellows feel the same way about girls who haven't learned the common courtesies or who haven't learned how to act in the various social situations. Maybe it is wise, then, to learn some of these little necessary rules of etiquette.

Still another thing you can do to give the impression of being grown-up is to carry through what you have said you will do. If you have said that you will be responsible for bringing the floor wax for the dance at 8:30, then get the floor wax there at 8:30 or even at 8:29.

If you have told Janie that you will take her little sister downtown Saturday afternoon, be sure that you have Janie's little sister downtown Saturday afternoon. If every¬one knows that you can be relied upon, you will be thought of as ready to undertake things appropriate to a more advanced age level.

If you are interested in getting some of your adult friends to think of you as being mature, watch your courtesy and your consideration of them. They are always aware of and appre¬ciate the thoughtful things you do. They are likely to be impressed when they see “manners in action” on the part of the younger set.

Being a good conversationalist will be helpful to you when dealing with adults. You may be able to get some specific help on this in section 6 of this article. Conversation is a real art, and it is a most important one for you to master. It takes hard work and it takes some reading and plenty of practicing, but you can do it if you really want to.

None of the items which have been mentioned are going to curb your fun in any way nor make you feel that you are being held down. They are just going to indicate to you and to others that you have arrived and that you are somebody who knows the score—somebody who can be counted on.

Remember that it isn't your exterior—the way you dress or do your hair—nor is it putting on a superficial sophistication. Rather, it is the deep-down you, which you develop and help to grow into a thoughtful, generous, dependable, considerate person, which is going to establish the fact that you are grown-up.

IF YOU WANT TO   PROVE TO OTHERS THAT YOU ARE MATURE

Take your anger out in doing some useful work instead of getting in a rage.

Stop playing childish pranks and practical jokes on other people.

Be of service to others.

Do what you say you will do.

IF YOU THINK YOUR PARENTS AREN'T GIVING YOU INDEPENDENCE

Talk it over with someone who is wise and understanding.

Try to see your parents' point of view.

Show cooperation by making plans with the family that will please all

Prove that you are grown up by taking on some of the responsibilities at home.

The art of conversation

Talk about things of common interest—school, friends, shows, sports. Tell little stories about your experiences if they are amusing and interesting. Allow other people to talk part of the time. Don't try to be clever, smart, or funny.

How Do You Rate on Maturity?

On separate pieces of paper draw two self-rating scales like the one that follows. Use one to rate yourself now, and keep the other one for a later check on your progress. Put your name and the date on the scale you are going to use now.

Note that each line extends from the poorest to the best way of meeting a situation. You may rate high on some of the items and lower on others. Read the descriptions under each line carefully. Then put a check at the point on each line which best describes your behavior in each situation. You may rate at either end, in the middle, or anywhere in-between.

Be very frank and honest with yourself; this rating is for you, not for anyone else. It will call your attention to the responsibilities of seven ways to maturity.

Seeing parents' point of view:

I Am very much annoyed by parents' watching over me so closely.

See that parents have a reason but am not too happy with their supervision.

Understand just why my parents do not let me have as much freedom as I want.

Showing that I am responsible

Merely say, “Well, don't you trust me?” Make the most of my nights out by doing some pretty wild things.

Say, “I can be re¬sponsible; just give me a chance.” But stay out longer than permitted and do things I would not do if an adult were along.

Show that I am re¬sponsible and can do things well. Come home a few minutes before the time agreed upon, after an evening of good, clean fun.

Using my time to good advantage:

Waste hours of time every day.

Make a schedule but soon fail to follow it.

Check on the way I spend my time and use it to the best advantage.

Showing consideration for parents:

Avoid my parents whenever possible; go my own way.

Am pleasant and casual but not really close to my parents.

Talk things over with them; introduce my friends to them; feel close to them.

Handling that “in-between feeling”:

Act either like a small child or more grown-up than I really am.

Act childish one day and grown-up the next.

Gradually move from childish to more grown-up, responsi¬ble behavior.

Handling disappointments and reasonable restrictions:

Become angry and unreasonable when I can't have what I want when I want it.

Tease or nag to get what I want.

Accept the fact that I can't always have what I want just when I want it.

Making decisions:

Cannot make any decisions myself.

Feel very uncertain about my choices and wonder whether they are right after all.

Have gradually learned to make wise choices and feel confidence in them; seek help when I need it.

Now look over your self-rating. If most of the checks are to the right of the center, you can be pleased with the progress you have made thus far. If you are at present at the low end, you have plenty of room for improvement. It's the direction in which you are moving that is important.

To check your progress, rate yourself again three or four months later, before looking at your first rating. Then com-pare it with the first rating to see how much progress you have made.

You Can Have Poise

Everyone wants to feel at ease physically—to feel that the parts of his body are well coordinated and that he can handle them without awkwardness. Everyone also wants to feel at ease in handling social situations.

Growing up sometimes gives you an uneasy feeling. Every time you look at yourself in the mirror, you seem to be a different person. Your face changes, sometimes giving you that “nosy” look.

You suddenly grow taller than your friends, or, just as bad, they grow taller and you are still small. You begin to look more like an adult than a child. Sometimes you wonder whether you are still the same person.

Being in an unfamiliar social situation makes you feel awkward even though you are not a bit awkward on a baseball diamond or at the beach. In fact, you may be good in sports, but you would like to feel that you can handle other activities with as much confidence.

You admire people who always seem to have the situation in hand. You respect people who can get up before a group and speak well—seemingly calm, cool, and collected. You would like very much to have the poise which you admire in others.

Is there any way to get it? Can you really develop that sort of thing?

Of course you can. To have poise means to have balance and a certain amount of inner calmness. Poise stems from knowledge and skill and successful past experience in meeting similar situations.

Two students were on a panel discussion before a large audi¬ence. They appeared calm and interested in what the others were saying, spoke well when they had something to con¬tribute, and gave the impression of having some inner source of security.

Many people said, “How poised they are!” They had spoken in public a number of times before, they had ideas that they knew would interest the audience, their voices were pleasing and carried well, they were attractive in appearance and well groomed. All this added up to their feeling of security in that situation. Naturally, under those conditions/they gave the impression of having poise.

You may feel jittery at first in any new situation. The better prepared you are to meet the situation, the more poised you will be. You can begin now to develop a sound basis for your poise.

Check your appearance

It is essential that you be well groomed if you want to increase your poise. If you are sure that you look well turned out, you don't have to feel apologetic about your appearance and you will feel more confident.

First of all, to feel sure that you look your best, you will want to do the most you can with what you have in the way of physical appearance. You will want to feel that you are attrac¬tive—not necessarily pretty or handsome—but so clean and neat-looking that you make a pleasant first impression.

It is your general appearance that counts. Individual features don't really matter. It is° the complete picture. Take a look at one of your friends whom you consider attrac¬tive. Take him or her apart, feature by feature. Isn't it amazing what you discover? Maybe good features are in evidence and maybe they are not, but the total picture is favorable.

If the person is attractive, you can be pretty sure that he has taken advantage of his assets.

What has he done? What features has he capitalized on and in what ways?

What methods has he used to cover up defects and point up assets?

1.            Your features. Look at your own features. What are your assets?

What are your defects?

What can you do about each?

Get some help on your problem, if you need it, from the home economics teacher, art teacher, physical education teacher, or someone else who is well informed about personal appearance.

The thing you must do is to build on your assets. Point up your most attractive features. Gwynne had a rather large nose, and eyes which she felt were much too small to be pretty, but she did have beautiful hair and a pretty mouth with straight, white teeth.

She learned that by keeping her hair clean and shining and by doing it up in interesting, becoming ways she received many compliments. As she developed her sense of humor, she smiled more often. This too, helped her to give the general impression of being really attractive. You, too, can do a good job in emphasizing your strong points.

There are books listed in the bibliography that will give you ideas for making yourself physically attractive. There are articles in popular magazines which will be of help to you.

2.            Your clothes. Your clothes and the way you wear them are part of your personality, in so far as people respond to your total appearance. You don't have to wear expensive clothes, but you should wear clothes that are becoming to you.

Color and design must always receive major consideration. You must choose the ones that suit you best.

Fads sometimes come along to lure you, and you will have to handle them carefully. If the fad is of the type that will really do something for your appearance, then by all means succumb to it. But if it is just something “they're all wearing” and it isn't becoming to you, quietly lower your eyes and demurely resist the sales talk.

Very full skirts were quite the fad for a while. Do you remember how fat girls looked in dirndls? They looked very much as though they had been turned out by Omar the

Tentmaker. These full skirts were becoming to slim girls, but they were mighty hard on stout ones.

The crew haircut fad for fellows comes and goes. Some fel¬lows look all right with a crew cut, but others look as though they had dropped in from another world. It is important for you to take a good look at yourself before you succumb to any fad. Be sure it does something for you.

3.            Your cleanliness. The best physical features are not attractive unless they are clean. People associate cleanliness withcharacter, so when they say, “He's a clean young man,” theymean clean in every way, not just on the surface.

The clothes which you have been so careful to select will not help your appearance unless they are clean, well pressed, and well mended. The most expensive garment of the very latest mode becomes nothing but a handicap if it is dirty. Cleanliness is something that you can really do something about. It is important then to make the suds fly.

4.            Your carriage. Another thing which will help your appearance and give you poise is to have good posture and carriage

IN  ORDER TO  DEVELOP POISE

See that you make an attractive appearance.

Be so interested in other people that you forget yourself.

Know the right thing to do in social situations.

Be calm even though you are in an awkward situation.

If you appear to be alert and poised, you have a tendency to feel that way too. You feel more forceful when you stand on the balls of your feet, hold your chest high, reach up with the top of your head, and look someone right in the eye.

How does a speaker impress you when his stance is good?

Do his statements and arguments carry more weight if he has a positive bearing? Surely you feel more confidence in someone who has a good stance and carriage than in someone whose chest is sunken in, whose chin rests on his chest, and who slinks around as if he were afraid of his own shadow.

Get your chest up, your head high, and look at people as though you really knew what it was all about. Models are helped to acquire a graceful posture by imagining that they are being gently pulled up by the ears when they are sitting, standing, and walking. Try it. You will get a lift and that confident feeling which goes with good posture.

Knowing that you are well groomed, that you carry your-self well and that, in general, you are making a good appear-ance, has a pleasing effect on you as well as on other people. You can forget yourself because you know there is nothing you need to worry about. That frees your attention for better understanding of others, better conversation, better action.

Concentrate on the other person

One good way to acquire poise is to concentrate on the other person. When consideration of others comes in, self-consciousness goes out. Ronnie, who overcame a great deal of his self-consciousness, has this to suggest: “If you are with someone else or in a group, try hard to think about what is being said instead of how you look or feel.

Don't worry that you must contribute to the conversation or be considered a social failure. You don't have to be a backslapper or a great talker to get across. Make it obvious that you are interested in what is being said, ask a question now and then, and try to enjoy what is going on so that you will forget yourself.”

It is your self-consciousness that is hard on you. The only way to get over that is to focus your attention on something or someone other than yourself. Don't worry a bit about what others may think if you are not sparkling at times.

Do you feel critical of them when they aren't?

A great number of people like a quiet and retiring person. They do not think of such a person as lacking in personality.

Know the rules

Attractive appearance, correct carriage, and ability to concen¬trate on the other person are all factors that contribute to poise. Another important item is knowing the rules for most of the situations in which you are going to find yourself.

Rules of etiquette for all occasions, which are based on consideration of others, should be first on your must-learn list. If you are sure of doing the right thing almost automatically, you will have no occasion to worry about yourself.

Do you remember how you felt when you were learning to drive a car—how conscious you were of all the gadgets that you had to push and pull, how conscious you were of each little move you made with the steering wheel, and how nervous you felt when you were passing another car?

As time went on and you practiced driving a great deal, your reactions became auto¬matic. You don't think now about all the little motions you go through driving a car.

Each reaction is such a natural one that you are not even conscious of it. You don't get nervous, jumpy, or worried about what you are going to do next. The same thing is true in most of life's situations.

Now let us consider some instances in which lack of knowl¬edge and lack of practice in correct procedures send people into such a nervous state that they have no poise at all. Larry was not interested in the rules of etiquette until he found himself at his girl's house for dinner.

He wanted to make a good impression on the family. He had quite a heart interest, and he wanted his girl's family to like him. He sat down at the table and suddenly realized that he had forgotten to seat his girl. That intensified his nervousness. He began to eat his soup, which was so hot it burned his tongue.

He blew on it until he saw the horrified look on his girl's face. Then he remembered that he was not supposed to blow on his soup. He lost all his self-confidence, became embarrassed, and felt very ill at ease. He wasn't even sure that he was eating with the right fork. He was completely undone.

Poise? It was gone.

There are a number of etiquette books listed in the bibliog-raphy on page 229 which are written in an informal, easy style.  Get one from your library and read it thoroughly. Had Larry done this before going to his girl's house for dinner, he would have known how to seat his girl and he wouldn't have for¬gotten to do it.

Just knowing the rules is not enough. You need to practice them. Practice them at home—on your mother, sister, brother, father, or friend. Get them down to such a fine point that they become automatic reactions—things that you do without thinking.

You shouldn't have to think about courtesies. They should be as natural for you as eating and sleeping. All good manners stem from kindness and consideration. They should be a habit.

Then you don't get nervous and upset about whether you are acting just the right way. You know the right way, and you have practiced the right way, so you do it with poise

Take stock of your poise

If you take stock of your poise, you will probably find your-self saying, “Well, I guess I don't lack poise in everything. I guess it isn't a matter of lacking poise period, but of lacking poise only in some things. Under what circumstances do I lack poise?”

Think through the situations that make you feel most ill at ease. You can begin to attack those situations and beat them.

Larry knows that his poise fell apart at the dinner table. His cue is to brush up on his manners and make it a point to practice them until they become automatic. The thing that is important for you to remember while prac¬ticing poise is that many people who seem to be at ease in a given situation are actually very quaky inside.

They are assum¬ing a calmness that they do not feel. You must try to give that same impression of calmness, even though you are very unsure of yourself. The following suggestions may help you to do this.

1. In social situations. Suppose you knock a vase off a table at a friend's house. You are covered with embarrassment, get twittery over it, and behave in a silly manner. Because of your embarrassment, you have a feeling that you must keep talking about it, apologizing profusely, and referring to it over and over again. Your poise is minus.

Gladys handled a similar situation very nicely. She was at a tea one afternoon and accidentally dropped her cup. She was embarrassed, but all she said was, “I’m very sorry. That was such a pretty cup.” The hostess went after a cloth, wiped up the tea in a jiffy, and the incident was over. Even while her hostess was wiping up the tea, Gladys talked of other things.

Gladys was embarrassed, but she knew enough not to act too upset about it. She just quietly apologized. Her hostess knew that it was an accident, and she knew that Gladys was sorry about it. It was really very much easier for her to have Gladys express herself so briefly and sincerely.

You can apply Gladys’ technique to many situations in which you find yourself acting clumsily. Everyone has those moments.  You are not the only clumsy person at a tea or at the table or in other similar circumstances.

2. When you are angry. When you lose your temper, you lose your poise. Suppose you take your girl out for a ride in your dad's new car and some careless driver rams into the front fender. You are furious. You are embarrassed by the crowd that is gathering. You are upset thinking about what your dad is going to say. Moreover, your girl is sitting right there.

Are you going to get out and wave your arms and carry on in a temper outburst?

Are you going to be nasty to the other driver to show your girl and others that you are a big he-man, that no blankety-blank driver can get away with that sort of thing with you?

Would that signify poise?

How about quietly taking the number of the other car, getting the driver's name and address, remarking that it is too bad that it had to happen, and driving away as soon as possible? This would be handling the situation in a mature way. You were upset, but you re¬mained self-possessed, you commanded everyone's respect, including your girl's, by working things out that way.

Sometimes there is nothing to do but keep your lips sealed until the fuzz on the back of your neck has settled down again. Then do your talking in a quiet way. You will be ever so much more effective that way, and you will be able to say the things you want to, rather than be the victim of whatever comes out uncensored by poise.

3. Before a group. There are still other circumstances in which you will feel a need for poise. One is having to get up before a group to recite, make a speech, give a report, or appear, for some other reason, in the public eye.

You may be like Aggie, whose problem was that she went to pieces over oral reports before her class. She said, “The one time that I always feel at a loss is when I have to give a talk. I can usually get a good topic and sufficient information, but when it comes time to get up and give the talk without any notes before me, I am sunk. I have always been nervous about getting up before a large group of people and talking.

It is bad enough just to get up before them without having to give a talk or a lecture, and without any notes it is ten times worse.” But Aggie is solving her problem by preparing her material carefully, studying it thoroughly, and learning more of the techniques of speaking before a group. This takes real perseverance and courage.

You are probably capable of making a small recitation in class, but it is quite possible that giving an oral report is difficult for you. It is almost certain that you would be ex-tremely nervous if you had to appear before a large group and either give a talk or make a report of some kind. It is perfectly natural for you to be frightened under those circumstances.

It is difficult to feel at ease before a large, or even a small, group. How can you have poise under such circumstances?

You must be sure that you are talking about something that the audience wants to know about. Then you must realize that you probably know more about it than anyone present, since you have made a study of it and they have not.

If you have your facts well in mind and are interested in what you have to say, it will be easier for you to talk. It is when you are unsure of your material that you have real cause for worry. Don't be at all bothered by the fact that you are not a spellbinder, an orator.

Arm-waving went out of style some time ago. Think of the audience as people wanting to hear what you have to say. Look at first one person and then another, and talk directly to them. Using a simple approach and looking directly at your audience will get you across even better than the oratorical approach.

The interesting thing about speech-making is that you always feel that you have done a poor job because you are so fearful;  yet those who have heard you will not believe that you were afraid. They probably feel that you have made a good showing.

Many students carry on at length about how scared they are before they ever go before the group. This really isn't a good idea because it makes you so conscious of your stage fright that you are likely to feel worse.

What is the point of letting everyone know that you are uncomfortable?

It simply focuses attention on how you are feeling instead of what you are saying. The one thing that you can be fairly sure of in developing poise before a group is that it will become progressively easier each time you appear and have to talk.

The first time is always the hardest. Keep at it. Make yourself do it regardless of how much you suffer, for it is only with practice that you will improve and gain confidence.

IF YOU HAVE STAGE FRIGHT BEFORE A GROUP

Have your facts well in mind —after some study.

Try out your talk ahead of time, and smooth it down.

Look at first one person, then another, as you speak.

Use a simple, conversational approach—no oratory.

Too many people refuse to speak before an audience. They run away from the situation. They simply cannot face it. This is a very damaging thing. Throughout life, whenever they are called on, they will be embarrassed.

Had they faced the issue squarely when they were young, they would be able to handle it with poise. Furthermore, if you run away from things, you never conquer them.

In developing poise, whether with individuals or in a group, you will want to do all you can

(1) to make a good appear¬ance;

(2) to concentrate on what the others are feeling, say¬ing, or doing;

(3) to learn and practice the rules of etiquette;

(4) to determine the situations where you feel you lack poise and attack those situations;

(5) to assume an outward calm, even if

you do not feel it at first; and

(6) to control your emotions.

It takes a real desire to do these things. It takes some plan-ning. It takes some work and studying. But, most of all, it takes interest in the other person—a concentration on him instead of on yourself.

How Do You Rate on Poise?

On separate pieces of paper draw two self-rating scales like the one that follows. Use one to rate yourself now, and keep the other one for a later check on your progress. Put your name and the date on the scale you are going to use now.

Note that each line extends from the poorest to the best way of meeting a situation. You may rate high on some of the items and lower on others. Read the descriptions under each line carefully. Then put a check at the point on each line which  best describes your behavior in each situation. You may rate at either end, in the middle, or anywhere in-between.

Be very frank and honest with yourself; this rating is for you, not for anyone else. It will help you to see what you might do to gain more poise.

Being “other-centered”:

Keep thinking about the impression I'm making; very self-conscious.

Usually think of the other fellow but sometimes feel self-conscious.

Am genuinely inter¬ested in what other people are saying, thinking, feeling, and doing; enjoy be¬ing with them.

Looking my best:

Never feel that I really look well; there's always some¬thing wrong;, wish I looked like some other person

Have improved my appearance, but there's still much more to be done.

Make the most of my good features, clothes, and posture, so I feel self-confident.

Knowing “the thing to do”:

Never feel at ease at a dinner party, tea, etc., because I don't know the proper thing to do.

Know the rules of good manners but haven't practiced them so they come naturally.

Have formed the habits of good social usage so I can forget about them and do whatever is kind and considerate.

Speaking to an audience:

Am sure I'm going to be a flop; don't think the audience is interested any¬way; wonder all the time how I'm looking and acting.

Feel shaky but usu¬ally do not show it.

Get interested in the audience and want to share my talk with them; look directly at certain persons who look interested;

know my subject and am well prepared.

Buying clothes:

Am lured by the newest fad, whether or not it is becoming to me.

Know very little about the kind of clothes that are most becoming to me.

Have studied color and design enough to buy the kind of clothes that bring out my good points.

Keeping clean

Never take time enough to keep my clothes, hair, and skin clean.

Do not bathe regu¬larly or keep clothes fresh and clean every day, but only on special occasions.

Have a working daily routine for airing and washing clothes, brushing hair, bathing, etc.

Handling my emotional energy:

When anything makes me angry, try to hurt the person or thing that hurts me.

Keep my angry feelings bottled up tight.

Use up my emotional energy in some use¬ful way, such as washing the car, painting, etc.

Now look over your self-rating. If most of the checks are to the right of the center, you can be pleased with the progress you have made thus far. If you are at present at the low end, you have plenty of room for improvement. It's the direction in which you are moving that is important.

To check your progress, rate yourself again three or four months later, before looking at your first rating. Then compare it with the first rating to see how much progress you have made.

You Can Handle Life's Situations

Living successfully and finding happiness is a day-by-day busi¬ness. It means finding the best way to meet each situation as it comes along. Part of growing up is being able to see a situation as it is and meet it intelligently.

Some of your problems may seem very large. Others will be small, yet annoying. You can handle many of the annoyances without much trouble. But some problems may bother you a great deal unless you can do something about them or adjust to them. Everyone has to make adjustments to various situations in his life.

Meeting disappointments

Disappointment may be one of the most difficult things with which you have to deal. Some people cannot handle disappoint¬ment at all. They go all to pieces, or they work up an antag¬onistic attitude toward everything and everybody else around them.

If you find yourself acting in either of these ways, you may want to work out a philosophy and learn techniques that will help you handle disappointments.

1. When you miss an activity. Suppose that you are plan-ning to go to a football game—one of the big games of the year. You are going with a whole group and are to meet them a mile or so from your house. You are delayed by an unex-pected event which makes you miss your bus. No other bus will get you there in time and it is too late to try to walk.

How are you going to handle this?

It will be very difficult to handle it sensibly. If you are a girl, you may cry. If you are a boy, you may swear or kick things around. Boy or girl, you may sulk or carry on in a rather nasty manner, trying to find someone to blame for having missed the bus. Acting badly may relieve your feelings, but it will not help you in the long run.

Your disappointment is very keen. You feel awful. Now what can you do that will help you most?

You can move quickly into another plan of action. If there is no possible way that you can get to the game, become interested in some other activity and try to forget about your disappointment. Brooding over it will not get you to the game nor make you personally any happier.

Monk discovered this and worked out a philosophy for such times. Monk says, “It was the inaction, the brooding over disap-pointments that used to throw me. I learned that when I missed out on something I wanted to do, I had to do something else. I had to go to a show or go to see somebody. I would tell myself, ‘Shucks, it's just for tonight.

I'll be doing the same thing tomorrow as I had planned whether I do this thing to¬night or not. Anyhow, this gives me a chance to have a good old visit with Toby. I haven't seen him for a long time. My whole life isn't ruined!’ ”

Monk had learned how to handle a disappointment. He had learned that action and a philosophical attitude will help to melt the lump in your throat more than anything else. Time helps too. The first hour or so following a disappointment is always the most difficult.

If you can realize that you are going to feel better later on, it helps just a little. Like Monk, go into action on something else as soon as possible so that you will not dwell on your troubles and make yourself still more miserable.

2. When you do not get the award. Another kind of dis-appointment that many of you may have to handle occurs when you do not receive an award that you expect.

Perhaps you are attending an awards banquet and are a likely candi¬date for the big surprise award of the evening. You feel that you really are the one to get it. It turns out that you do not quite make it, and the award goes to someone else.

Disappointed? Terribly. Your whole world crashes around your ears because you have been counting on that award and you really were fairly sure that you would get it.

How are you going to handle a disappointment like that?

That very thing happened to Irene. She expected the essay prize, but Paula got it. Irene felt sick with disappointment, but she covered up quickly before anyone saw her face. She choked down her disappointment.

She went into action fast. She clapped very hard for Paula and made herself smile. She said something to her neighbor about how swell it was that Paula got it—that it was well deserved.

Irene handled that situation well. She didn't just sit and let that disappointment smother her before she smothered it! She was being a good sport about it, and that was more important than getting a prize. As a matter of fact, the sharpness of the disappointment had worn off a bit even by the end of the evening.

The next day Irene studied Paula's prize essay in order to see how she might improve her own writing. Then she decided to try for a national short story contest. She became so interested in her new plans that the essay prize was pushed way back in her mind.

3. When you can’t pin a club. Many schools have clubs that allow the members to vote on prospective candidates. You want very much to join a certain club. You go through all the mo¬tions necessary to become a candidate for membership but you are not voted in. You are completely crushed.

You have to face the fact that you are not wanted in this particular group. There is no getting around it. Your whole world is shot to pieces. You feel that something must be wrong with you.

What are you going to do?

It takes a great amount of courage to face that situation. You have to be a big person to surmount it, because you have to do some things that are very difficult under the circumstances.

First, you have to realize that members are often bid into organizations on a very superficial basis. The members who kept you out of this club may not have known you well—may not have known enough about your good points to want you in. Perhaps they were given some misinformation about you.

Possibly they knew the other candidates much better, and, since they had to make a choice, voted for the candidates they knew best. There may have been any number of such reasons, no one of which reflects on you as a person.

Second, you must go on being friendly with the members of that club. They will know that you are hurt, and they will admire you for being a good sport about it and for not resent¬ing what they did to you.

Third, you will need to go out wholeheartedly for some other activity. Do everything you can to make good in it. A girl who was rejected by a high school sorority—and who really was completely crushed by the rejection—entered into the girls' league activities.

She worked so hard at it that she became an outstanding member. Later she held an office. All this gave her great satisfaction. She became acquainted with many new girls, and her friendships with them compensated for the rejection she had received earlier.

The point is that a person cannot let life's disappointments snow him under. Sometimes it is terribly difficult to dig out, but if you go into action and begin to dig right away, you will come out on top.

Wanting more than you can have

Another sort of disappointment arises from wanting more than you can have of the material things in life. You want a nicer home to live in. You want more and better clothes to wear.

You want a car or a motorcycle or a new bike. You want some sporting equipment, like a tennis racket, fielder's glove, fishing pole, archery bow. You want more spending money. Most of your friends have more of these things than you have, and you feel at a definite disadvantage.

How can you be happy when you can't have so many of the things you want?

You must realize that nearly everyone wants more than he has. The very people whom you envy want more than they have. You feel that they have everything; yet they are prob-ably dissatisfied with what they have and want more. You are probably just as happy with what you have as they are with what they have.

It may be difficult for you to believe, but it is true. It is natural to want more than you have. It is natural to want more than you know it is possible for you to have. Everyone has to learn at some time in his life that he can't have everything that he wants when he wants it.

You can't wave a wand and say, “Let me be happy with what I have.” You have to take a look at your whole life picture, pick out the best things in it, and enjoy them fully. You will surely decide that the most important things in your life are your relationships with your family or your friends —not the material things that you have or the material things that you think you want.

Which is more important to you— a good friend or new clothes or a tennis racket? You immedi¬ately reply, “My good friend is, but I want the new clothes and the tennis racket too.” To be sure, but you are faced with the fact that your good friend can offer you far more happi¬ness than the clothes or the racket.

You can have the friend, but maybe not the racket or the clothes. If you can adjust to that fact, you can be fairly happy.

Modern young people have a tremendous amount of orig-inality and drive in gaining either what they want or some-thing that comes close to it. A girl who wants a new hat and has no money to buy it, can have an old hat cleaned, sew some¬thing fresh and different on it, and actually get something that looks new. The important thing is not to mourn about what you don't have.

Either decide that the things you do have are wonderful and that the material things in life are not too im¬portant, or decide that some of the material things are important enough for you to devise means of getting them.

Being denied things you want to do

You may find yourself in the position of not being able to do a great many things that you want very much to do. Perhaps you can't get your parents' permission. Perhaps it is a matter of finances. Or maybe other circumstances prevent it.

Young people are frequently not allowed to go to school dances or cannot go because they cannot afford the price of admission. If you are in that situation, you must work out a solution or be unhappy.

When your parents say to you, “You may not go to the school dance because we do not believe in dancing,” or “You may not go because we can't go with you tonight,” or “We're awfully sorry, dear, but we just don't have the money to give to you for that,” what are you going to do about it?

Are you going to let it get you down?

Or are you going to do something constructive? What can you do about it?

If your parents are definitely opposed to your entering into certain activities in which you are really interested, you might try the techniques suggested in Chapter 7 concerned with earn¬ing your independence.

If these do not work, you will just have to be philosophical about it and realize that you will have to postpone those particular things until you can persuade your parents differently or until you are on your own. However, don't make an issue of it. Usually the activities are not worth the quarreling or bickering that might come from your pushing the issue too hard.

It is better to turn your attention toward other things that are fun for you and of which your parents do approve. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you to do the things you want to do. Don't make your present life miserable by pushing for things that you want to do but which your parents oppose. It just isn't worth it.

If it is a matter of not being able to afford certain activities in which you are interested, you have two possible courses of action. You make up your mind to accept the fact and turn to something else that isn't so expensive, or you figure out a way to earn the necessary funds yourself.

Whenever you can't do something that you want very much to do, you have to substitute something else for it. There are loads of things to do that are fun. You can always make fun for yourself if you set your mind to it. Maybe it will not be as much fun, but that depends on your attitude to a great extent.

If you are resentful about not being able to do what you want and you are certain that a substitute will not be fun, then you are skidding toward unhappiness. On the other hand, if you will give the substitute a try, then you have at least a chance at happiness. It is all up to you.

Meeting failures

Hardly anyone ever goes through life without facing failure in one form or another. No one can expect to succeed in every¬thing he undertakes. Look around you at someone whom you admire very much.

You feel that he can do anything well, that he is successful in everything he does. Actually, there are hun¬dreds of things that he can't do well. You notice only those things which he can do with success.

As you go along through life, you are going to find that there are things which you would like to be able to do but which, for some reason or other, are impossible. Everyone makes this discovery sooner or later.

However, as you find out the things that you can’t do well, you will also discover the things that you can do well. Realizing your strengths and weaknesses is smart business. You will want to capitalize on those strengths. You will want to attempt to strengthen or accept those weak¬nesses.

Sometimes it is rather painful to find that you are not physi¬cally or mentally equipped to do some of the things that you want to do most. You may find it painful not to be able to get as good grades as your friends or to excel on the athletic field as they do.

Everybody can't be a “a brain” and everybody can't be a star athlete, but everybody can be good at something that is worth while. Maybe you can't get high grades in algebra or French or English, but you may be able to fix a motor better than the highest ranking boy in your class.

Which will be the more use¬ful thing for you—ability to solve algebraic equations or ability to fix cars?

The point is that what is useful and practical for one person is not necessarily useful and practical for another. Don't feel that you are a failure as a person if you fail in some particular thing. Recall your successes.

Do the things in which you can enjoy success.

If you are working hard on math or English or science and are still getting D's and E’s, talk things out with your counselor and your parents and plunge into something that appeals to you—something that you can do well and something that has a reasonable future in it.

Maybe your parents have been counting on your going to college but you haven't been able to make college entrance grades. You feel bad because you are disappointing them, and you resent their attitude because, even though you are working as hard as you can, they continue to put pressure on you about your grades. If that is true, then you had better have a little heart-to-heart talk with them or get your counselor to have a talk with them.

Many successful people have never set foot inside a college. Even though a college education is necessary for the professions and helpful in gaining admission to many lines of work,  it will not of itself guarantee success for you.

Your contribu-tion to society can be just as great without college if you plan wisely. It may be that some other kind of post high school education will be of even greater value to you than college.

Thousands of people take correspondence courses; many others take university extension courses. Technical schools and trade schools offer vocational training of a specialized nature. The United States government offers training in the trades for people who enlist in the armed services. Many good private schools give courses in business, beauty culture, barbering, dentistry, etc.

There are hundreds of art, music, and dramatic schools that give courses in all branches of the arts. So, you see, there is a wide range of possibilities other than college for education after high school. Your counselor can help direct you to the kind of school or schools in your locality that will be the most helpful in developing your abilities.

Remember that everyone experiences failure in one way or another. It is the smart person who searches for his strengths and then employs them where they will do the most good.

Being compared with someone else

You may have a brother or a sister or a cousin who makes much better grades or does something else better than you do. He is always being held up to you as an example. You get so irked at having to listen to his praises that you don't even want to try to do better. It is a great source of annoyance. It keeps you stirred up emotionally a great deal of the time.

Norman has to put up with that sort of thing. He had an older sister who was very smart and who enjoyed studying. Norman was smart enough, but not along the lines of school subjects, so he didn't make very good grades.

Although Nor-man didn't know it, one of the reasons he didn't want to study was that he was afraid that even if he did he still wouldn't make grades comparable to those of his sister. Then he would no longer have his alibi of “just lazy.”

His parents had a great deal to say to him about not doing as well as his sister did. It always infuriated him, and it made him almost dislike his sister, who really was likable. After one particularly hot session with his parents, he stomped over to his uncle's house and let off steam.

His uncle understood the situation very well. After hearing Norman's tale, he said, “Now look, Norm, you and I both know that there are plenty of things in this world that are as important as high grades. We know that some of the things you are able to do may be even more important than the high grades your sister makes.

Let's see what some of these things are and how we can make them important, not only to you but to your family.

You don't mind if I suggest that we start with your gift of gab, do you?”

Norman grinned and said, “No. I know I can talk. I know I can sell people on ideas or on almost anything. I even talked my sister into buying my old desk lamp for as much as I paid for it. I had had the thing for four years. I like to try to sell stuff to people.”

“Yes, you rascal, and you sold me some tickets to that club play which was about the worst thing I've ever seen. Look, Norman, let's talk to your folks about letting you get a job as a salesman somewhere.

You could work after school and on Saturdays. You could probably make good at that kind of thing, and if you were really successful, your folks might not havequite so much to say about those grades. After you have finished high school, you might continue on full time.

What do you think?”

“What do I think? Why, I'd rather do that than eat. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad now.”

Norman and his uncle convinced Norman's parents that a job would be a good thing for him. It took Norman about three weeks to get a job, but he kept at it until he found one. His “gift of gab” was a great asset on the job, and before very long the store manager told him that he considered him one of his best salesmen.

Since he was working on a salary and commission basis, he made good money. As he gained experi¬ence, he became better and better as a salesman. His parents were impressed. The idea of a boy his age making that much money on a part-time job! Norman over¬heard his dad bragging about him to the neighbors.

That pleased him very much. Interestingly enough, he didn't hear so much about his grades any more. This was partly because he made better grades as he gained more confidence and partly because his parents took pride in his other accomplishments.

Norman used a good technique. He capitalized on the one thing that he could do well, and he made a success of it. You can use that same technique. Take stock of your assets and put them to work for you.

There is no use sitting around and being annoyed at hearing about something that somebody else does. Show your parents, or whomever it is that is holding up someone else as an example, that you, too, have talent.

You will not want to overlook the accomplishments of others while you are working at your own undertaking. Give credit where it is due. You don't want to carry on a rivalry that makes for hard feelings. You simply want to show that you, too, can make a contribution in your own special field.

Adjusting to the separation of parents

Neil has a problem quite different from Norman's. He has just found out that his parents are planning to separate. He has been afraid things would eventually reach that point, but somehow he has kept the thought pretty well out of his mind.

Now he has to face the facts. He feels that his father is to blame for the separation. He doesn't really know what has happened. He has found his mother crying several times lately, but she will never tell him what the trouble is.

He thinks about his little sister. This is going to be hard on her too. She is just five years younger than he and very close to both her parents. He supposes that she will go to live with their mother and that he will live with their dad.

The thought of not having Mom around all the time fills him with an unbearable sadness. He will miss Sis a lot, too, even if they do quarrel some.

He wonders why his parents can't get along anyhow. They must know what it is doing to him and his sister. He is fond of his dad. Sure he is. But he loves his mother too.

Why does he have to give one of them up?

It isn't his fault that this is happening. But he and his sister are the ones caught in it. He knows his friends will find out about it, and he feels ashamed.

What will he tell them?

How is he going to explain it?

What will Martha think?

He grows sick just thinking about it. Thousands of girls and boys go through what Neil is going through. The divorce rate in the United States is getting higher and higher. These young people are caught in a most unhappy situation.

Is there anything that they can do about it?

Sometimes there is. Maybe Neil can do something. He is sure that his parents love him. Perhaps if he tries to make them realize how important it is to him and to his sister that the family stay together, it would do some good.

Maybe if he makes an effort to get closer to his father, to talk to him, he could convince him that there are three people besides him¬self to think about. He could show him that it is important to his little sister's welfare that she have a father to help bring her up, just as it is important to him, Neil, to have his own mother to help him.

Children can make an effective appeal to their parents, if they approach them in the right way. Neil stands a chance of saving his particular family situation. He has nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying. But he does need to act. He needs to try to bring about a change, not just sit and worry about it.

That broken homes can be prevented through the efforts of children is shown by the following story told by fifteen-year-old Aileen:

“This happened two years ago. I was in school at the time the incident occurred. I was called down to the office and was told to go home because my mother wasn't feeling well. My father came to pick me up from school, in order to take me home. When I reached home, I knew my mother wasn't ill but just fed up with everything.

As I looked at her face and then turned and looked at my father, I knew they both had had a big argument. I guess I knew then and there that this would be the end of their marriage, the end of our home and everything else.

“Now it was up to me to keep us all together. I got them to sit down and I explained to them that we could all be happy if we put our minds to it. I went on to say that it was up to them to keep this home for my sister and me. After a good bit of reasoning and begging, they finally consented to try.

Just think what would have happened if we hadn't sat down and talked the problem over carefully. For now, two years after that unhappy event, we are one big happy family again.”

It is possible that you have had an experience similar to Neil's or Aileen's. It is also possible that you did everything you could to keep your parents together but that, in spite of your efforts, they got a divorce. It was a most upsetting experience for you.

You felt as though your own world had just come to an end. Ever since, you have been trying desperately to make a good adjustment to the situation. It isn't easy for you. It takes almost more courage and fortitude than you have.

Is there anything that you can do to make it any better? Possibly.

That will depend on you and your particular circumstances. In the first place, you will want to attempt to understand the reason for the separation of your parents. Try to be fair to both of them, try to realize that each must have some arguments on his side, some basis for his position. You do not want to be filled with bitterness against either of your parents.

In the second place, you may have to undertake a great deal more responsibility; it may be up to you to fill in a large part the vacancy that has been created. Whether you have to do this or not, you would be wise to do it.

It will help you to feel better if you are doing something about the situation—particularly if you are making it easier for the parent with whom you are living.

In the third place, you will need to be philosophical, espe-cially about your new role in life. You are faced with some pretty realistic facts. You will need to sit down and think the whole thing through.

What are you going to do with your life from here on under these new conditions?

Are you going to shoulder the new responsibility?

Are you going to stay in and pitch, even though your infield has been weakened? Or are you going to let life knock you all over the lot?

You will have to decide whether you are going to be a big-league person and knock out a home run, even with two strikes against you, or whether you are going to “fan out” and sit on the bench the rest of your life. You can use strategy. You can use skills. You can do some good thinking.

Life is full of situations, circumstances, and unforeseen events which throw you into chaos or into a state where it takes every¬thing you have to fight your way out and make a satis¬factory adjustment so that you can go on.

If you have the courage, the stamina, the will, and the whatever-else-it-takes to meet what comes along, you will find that the world still has something to offer which is good and satisfying